i am me

please ignore last night's post. after reading it through, i realise i'm sounding very selfish and immature.

i apologize.

there was something in the hospital the other day that really touched my heart. i have this patient who's suffering from dementia and had a stroke for the past 3 years. so she's paralysed and can't really move much. and there's only one person that looks after her. her husband.

let's call them Mr. and Mrs. F shall we?

my doctors and Mr. F were discussing Mrs. F's condition one day while she was sleeping and it was heartwrenching to see the pain and sorrow in Mr. F's face after he realised that she's never getting better and that it was only a matter of time before she would go. it was a difficult moment. Mr. F, i could tell, was torn between feeling sad and feeling relieved. i know i would, if i knew someone i loved was suffering and was about to go, i'd be sad but a tad bit relieved. sad, to know that in a short while, emptiness will all be what's left in my heart and relieved to know that pain and suffering no longer dominate what's left of that person.

while talking, Mrs. F wakes up. it was obvious, the confusion and slight terror in her eyes as she couldn't register where she was and why there were so many other people around her. she started to shake, but before she could utter a sound, Mr. F turned to her and says,

'there's my sweetheart! how's she feeling this morning? i've missed you.'

and then the terror was gone. all i could see and feel now was the love that these two people have for each other. no matter where they were or what was going on around them, it was all that mattered. she calmed down, but i could see that it wasn't going to be that simple for Mr. F to calm down. tears started rolling down his eyes as he came to realise that very soon, this would all be over. and with nothing to show for it.

i couldn't take it anymore. i pretended to cough and ran away. only to realise that i was crying too. it was all so unfair and uncalled for. yet, it was so beautiful at the same time. how does one find a love that strong, that they would stick with it, even through such illness? imagine the suffering Mr. F would have to go through. feeding her, bathing her, changing her, talking to her, putting her to sleep. she's back to being a helpless toddler, who's life revolves around who's going to feed and clean her. he doesn't have the stamina or the energy to do that, i'm quite sure, yet, he stuck through it.

another case i saw, was of this old asian lady, who had a stroke but got better, had kidney failure, but is undergoing dialysis and now, she's got pneumonia. there was one day, she was looking particularly sickly and my doctors were quite certain that she wouldn't last the night. sadly, she couldn't understand english and had to rely on her grandchildren to translate for her. when we told her grand daughter, that it wasn't going to be a good outcome, her grand daughter just stared at us. her aunt was by her elbow, pulling at her sleeve, asking what the white doctors were saying, tugging and tugging, asking and asking. but the grand daughter couldn't bear to say the words. i know why. if she repeated those words, then it would be real. she couldn't bring herself to translate. before she could pull herself together, she started to cry. and it just gripped my heart. i looked at the poor old woman and i thought to myself,

'why am i here?
is it just to tell people that their loved ones are dying?
that there's nothing we can do?
what if she were MY grandmother and they were telling me these things?'

i don't know if i'm strong enough for this.

but i know, whatever i'm going through now, doesn't begin to compare to what these people have to endure.

Lord, give me strength, give me courage, give me the will to go on.