there was a levi's warehouse today in the city and decided to go and have a look. didn't buy anything jeans though. instead i bought a nice scarf, hat and glove set. i tend to have very cold hands so i thought it'd be reasonable to get a pair.

tried on a whole lot of funny hats.

...

i was at my general practice clinic the other and decided to get some fruits to eat for lunch. i went over to the fruit seller next door and i saw mandarin oranges! i squealed in glee. quite literally. i snatched up 2 and paid for them. cost 62.5cents each but i was too happy to care. i gleefully skipped back to the clinic, carrying my gold treasures anticipating the moment i could sink my teeth into the squishy fruit.

as i was peeling it, i was hit with a sense of nostalgia. i didn't get to eat these particular oranges during Chinese New Year since they didn't have them at the time but even after so many months, just peeling them made me think about my 22 years celebrating Chinese New Year back home.

and it made me think.

i want my kids to have the kind of childhood i had. the large extended family coming together for Chinese New Year, the gobbling down of food at all hours of the day, eating cookies and mandarin oranges till we were sick, playing mahjong, drinking soft drinks till our pee smelled sweet, running away from lighting the firecrackers we would scour the backlanes of the town for, the visiting of friends homes. i want my kids to have that. and for that, i want to go back to Malaysia and raise my kids there.

it's not that i don't think i can do all that here in Australia, but somehow, i think it'll be so much more different. and not necessarily in a good way. the atmosphere i know would more or less be the same if there is family around. but deep down, i know it wouldn't.

i want to go home.

*crack*

the man who waved the whip sneered.

'come on! get moving!' he yelled.

whimpers filled the air. the sounds of sobbing occasionally cutting through. a scream pierced through the furor of sounds causing the man to turn.

'i can't! i just can't! please...please don't do this!' a feminine voice pleaded, almost hysterically.

'you can and you will! now drink!' the man spat on her face and focred a tube down her throat.

she gagged and then sagged, defeated as she felt the changes in her body take place. with her arms tied over her head, she could do nothing to stop the cruelty that was befalling her.

women all around her suffered the same fate. all were tied and all were wearing the same, terror-filled expression.

she felt the area between her legs beginning to dampen and she cried. unwillingly, she felt the warm liquid slide down her legs and collect in a little bowl under her. she had lost control of herself a long time ago. she tried to look down past her swollen belly but couldn't.

'please...please...don't hurt my baby. please..' she begged of the cruel man looking down at her.

'oh, you're baby will be fine. don't you worry about that. we NEED your baby,' he mocked.

he bent down and retrieved the little bowl that held her urine and looked trumphantly at it. he raised it above his head and shouts of victory rang through the dank hall.

he raised the bowl to his lips and downed the pale yellow liquid in one.

...

sounds quite the gross right? hahaha...well, it kinda is. this comically crude image came to my mind this afternoon when i found out that the Human Chorionic Gonadothropin hormone was harvested from the urine of pregnant women. ??? so now they get women to pee and then harvest the hormone to feed to the poor, unfortunate soul who can't produce his own? pffft...

apparently this hormone is administered to the very unfortunate male who sadly cannot produce the particular hormone to mature sexually. it'll all become very technical if i were to explain it. so, i'll just leave it at this.

on a similar note, apparently another hormone known as the Leutenising Hormone, that is required to mature sexually as well is harvested from the gonads of the CHINESE hamster. when i read that i was like...'what the...?' why must it specifically be the CHINESE hamster huh?? why can't it be the english or the african or the indian hamster? why the discrimination huh?? the hamster is apparently injected with the hormone and then produces it as well. something like splicing i guess, and then they harvest it. wow...the wonders of science.

happy birthday bea

you're a wonderful, quirky and loving friend who i would not trade for a ton of elephants. thanks for always being there when i needed a shoulder to cry on, for when i needed someone to listen to me gripe about life, for when i just needed to hang out. you're a true gem in a mountain of coal. here's to years of friendship and to many years more.

happy birthday zhao kang

The teddy bear with neverending hugs and smiles. Here’s to a friendship that’s withstood the test of vomiting, crying, shouting and reckless driving. You’re truly a great friend and with that, I can safely say, you’re the best

and there's another very special person in my life whom i want to send birthday greetings to.

thank you for all the years of love, stress and comfort. you have been one of the many pillars in my life to which i can now stand erect. for always being there when i had no one to turn to, i thank you. your life has made mine all the better. your kindness and love shows through your every step, your every word. love you loads aunteh...

happy birthday anselma tecio

my skirt blew up while i was waiting for the bus.

i guess i was standing to close to the edge.

a cyclist passed by and witnessed my extremely embarassing marilyn monroe moment.

he gave me a wink and a smile.

*shy*

have been quite down in the dumps lately.

sorry.

i just don't have anything left in me that rejoices.

and i read that in all circumstances, we should give thanks, rejoice and celebrate.

i know that i have it easier than most people.

i know.

but sometimes it all just gets too much to handle all at once and cracks appear.

breakdowns occur.

the 'black dog' is weighing down.

but i must learn to rejoice.

i must learn to give thanks.

i must learn to trust.

teach me to trust in You, oh Lord.

i was just surfing through random websites and random blogs and it just felt like i was back in malaysia. seeing all the familiar places and hearing the familiar sounds of my world suddenly made me feel happy again.

but i'm not.

i miss home.

and this feeling doesn't seem to be going away.

i have no drive to do anything anymore. my room is a mess. i don't feel like cooking. showering suddenly seems very tedious. i can't sleep. i wake up at the crack of dawn. i have horrible eyebags. i'm breaking out in places i cannot even imagine. my days pass in a blur. i start crying at the drop of a hat. listening to music doesn't hold anymore joy for me.

all i want to do is curl up into a ball and dream.

at least dreaming will take me home.

He is risen.

He lives.

He knows.

He hears.

He cries.

He cares.

He loves.

it beckons and calls,
whispering promises,
promising hope,

it comes and goes,
bringing comfort,
seeking solace,

it wraps me in,
it keeps me trapped,
long, sinewy fingers,
strong, tough, frightening,

it paints a pretty picture,
of fun and laughter,
but all in the past,
nothing in the future,

it slowly seeps in,
sinking it's taloned fingers deep within,
tightly holding never unassuming,
for it might lose me as easily as it wound around me,

it comes and it goes,
never far, always skirting,
but never straying,

'leave me', i say,
'i want you to go,'
but it never does,

only One can save me,
only One can make it go,
'help me, Lord,
save me from myself,
leave me not to drown in my sorrow,
leave me not to sink to my darkest depths.
lift me up so i may live,
lift me up so i may soar,
live in me so i need not fear,
make me whole again, make me feel.'

was my turn to cook dinner tonight so i opted for a change from the usual rice with one meat and one veggie. pan grilled chicken breast with mashed potatoes, boiled asparagus and grilled cherry tomatoes. topped off with a wine and mushroom sauce. all made from scratch i must say. since i got home early from clinic today, decided to give ying wei and myself a treat. had a nice long dinner and a nice long, bloated chat after dinner. tried the ever famous bundaberg rum and cola, brewed and bottled in bundaberg, queensland. which incidentally, is where i will be posted to for my rural rotation.

my shoe collection has dwindled significantly since i got here. mostly due to the fact that i couldn't fit all my shoes into my luggage and NOT go over the 30kg limit when i flew over here and also due to the fact that shoes in brisbane aren't all that cheap. but, i've manage to find some pretty good bargains. yes, even with my ever small and slitty eyes, i've scourged the city and found these.

all for the VERY affordable price of 50AUD. yes, yes, you can call me the BARGAIN QUEEN. thank you, thank you. i'd never have done it, save for my little eyes. thank you little eyes.

and now, my little slitty eyes are getting smaller as the nights have not been kind to me of late. sleepless, mindless tossing and turning, coupled with shoulder, neck and back aches. thank God for the long weekend.

they all died.

maybe i'll try turtles next. they at least indicate better if they're about to die. plus...teenage mutant ninja turtles the movie is coming out soon. so i'll commerate their opening with some new turtles in my little jar.

super tired. getting to clinic everyday is starting to wear down on me. and it's only the 5th day. imagine 3 more weeks of this. gosh...

maybe it's seasonal depression.

i need to find something that'll hold my interest for longer than a week. can you believe i'm getting tired of shopping also already? that's not a good sign.

long easter weekend coming up in 2 days. still wondering what to do. maybe i'll go to Gold Coast again and stay a few days this time. but then again..there's only so much i can do. unless i head over to the theme parks. but those are really pricey.

was waiting for the bus on sunday afternoon and there was an old man sitting there. he was smoking this really smelly cigarette and i was trying not to breathe in too much of the second hand smoke.

him : are you going to church?
me : urh...i went this morning..
him : i see...
me : are YOU going to church?
him : me?? oh no...i'm a naughty boy. (gave me a very lewd smile and wink)
me : oh...i see. (starting to feel a bit awkward)
him : the priest was f**king the nun!
me : oh...that's not good.

thank goodness the bus arrived then and i hopped on, took a seat far AWAY from him, popped my mp3 on and buried my nose in the book i had brought.

but then...i wasn't exactly off the hook yet. the bus stopped at the next stop and another old man hopped on. not as old as the last one, but old enough to be a grandfather. he took a look around the bus and decided to sit next to me. i had the book open on my lap and was fiddling with my mp3 player.

him : so what are you reading?
me : huh? oh...it's just some light reading material..
him : what's it about?
me : urh..it's about these four friends who are trying to help out another friend who just got dumped by her fiance, by hooking her up with another guy.
him : sounds interesting.
me : haha..uh..yeah..just something easy to read..
him : so what do you do for fun?

*ding*

my stop came up and i hurriedly hopped off. WARGH!!!
i need younger men hitting on me! not old men old enough to be wearing a doodoo bag!