when the weekend comes, so comes the dread of the impending work week.
how ironic that when we're happy we're never really, truly happy for fear of what's to come niggling the back of our minds.
why do we always feel the need to pay for our happiness and instead of just accepting it as it is...a gift.
a gift from life, a gift from God.

spent the last few days with some people who matter to me. my housemate just came back from his medical mission trip and it was good to spend time just talking to him. expressing our everchanging views and expectations of life and of ourselves.

how many of us can truly say that we know exactly what we want to do in life? we're doctors, him and i. but we've come to a point where we don't know whether we really want to do this for the rest of our lives. 'tis a noble calling, no one can doubt...but is it OUR calling? we all start out with high hopes and dreams of saving lives and caring for those who need it. but the reality of it, we're just a highly paid garbage clean up crew. we clean up the mess people make of their lives. either by cutting them open and fixing them up, or by dosing them with massive amounts of drugs that whacks out their system. are we really helping? i don't rightly know.

i've got to find more things to make my life more fulfilling because this isn't cutting it. noble or not, this calling takes a lot of perseverance.

had one of the worst calls in a long time. 2 crash caesars. multiple new admissions. crazy bleeding women everywhere. sometimes i wonder if i really want to go O&G. i love the look of ecstatic joy on the faces of the mother and father. but i hate cleaning up the mess after. the blood and the stitching and the swelling. urghh..thinking about it makes me cringe.

i don't think i'll ever get the smell of latex gloves and blood of my hands. i go to sleep with that smell swimming around my senses. *shudder*

and being around all these highly hormonal women is wreaking havoc on my monthly cycle.

post call in a couple of hours. cannot wait. i need sleep very badly. i have a massive sleep debt that i have yet to repay. don't know when or if i ever will do it. since the only time i get to sleep also happens to be the only time i get to have time to myself to do other things besides work. it's a balancing act i tell you.

wedding band practice tonight. looking forward to it. have yet to test out these vocal chords after a long hiatus. don't rightly know if they still function as they're supposed to.

on the bright side, it's the weekend in a couple of hours for me. gloom and doom on sunday as i have to come to work and then i'm on call on monday again.

it's not the pale moon, that excites me
that thrills, and delights me
oh no, it's just the nearness of you

it isn't your sweet conversation
that brings this sensation
oh no, it's just the nearness of you

when you're in my arms
and i feel you, so close to me
all my wildest dreams, came true

i need no soft lights
to enchant me
if you, would only grant me
the right to hold you ever so tight
and to feel in the night
the nearness of you

a wedding lasts a day, a marriage lasts a lifetime.
romance, i'm sure, will fade.
but love, love should remain true and everlasting.

as more and more friends make the decision that cements their future together, i cannot help but wonder, is it too late for me? i'm 26 this year and no where near settling down. even though i long for a form of stability to come home to every night and for someone to hold me when i'm going through my labile moments. i just can't seem to picture myself there yet. call me insecure, but i don't know if i'll be able to find someone who's right for me.

i find myself too fickle minded more often than i care to admit. always wondering 'what if' and never fully committing myself. is it because i feel that i've lacked so much earlier on in life that i WANT so much more now? that i should experience everything that i can and not just say 'ok' when it's ok? i don't just want ok. i want excellent and brilliant and a definite resounding YES.

too much to ask for? maybe. unachievable? definitely not. i'm not gonna settle anymore. i'm gonna chase after what i want now. i don't want to listen to people who think they know what's good for me. i want to listen to myself from now on.

woke up at 5.30 on the morning of the 23rd to a text message that banished any residual sleepiness clouding my foggy brain. there's been a passing in the family. but to my surprise, no wave of sadness came, no shocked sense of disbelief, not even the tiniest feeling of woe. how is it that i could feel nothing from this news that would, i'm sure, in other people would have garnered wails of sorrow and the beating of chests in anger.

maybe it was because i knew this passing was inevitable and that no matter how much we bargain and barter, it would be to naught.

as i got to the airport, with no ticket and no idea of when the next flight out was, i could not help but wonder, was this really necessary?

i hold no claim to knowing this member of the family as well as i should have. seeing as i'm one of the elder of the cousins, i should have more memories of him and in that sense, would have known him better. but i'm ashamed to say that i don't. and that is probably the only thing i regret.

as i paid for the ticket, i looked around me. airports are both at once joyful and sad. but the one thing that binds the two is love.

i look at the other people around me, waiting for the flight. how many of them, like me are rushing home for an emergency? could it be that slightly elderly uncle, who's burying his nose in his newspaper, trying to shut out the world and shield himself from the staring eyes of people who have noticed his slightly swollen eyes, the slightly reddened nose? or could it be the couple sitting in the corner, heads bowed closed to each other, with his arms around her shoulders comforting, whispering words of hope into her ear?

or who among us, had different agendas? maybe a married man, taking a 'business trip' somewhere he knows he won't be seen. a young lady off to travel the world to see what else there is to life other than the mundane everyday dance around the different cubicles in the office. an elderly couple spending the rest of their lives together, traveling to visit loved ones in different parts of the world, grandchildren they adore and dote on.

life goes on. no matter what 'agenda' you have. life goes on. and with that, so does love.

the next few days were a blur. a rush of getting to different places and putting on faces. and in particular, of mending fences.

dirty laundry should never be aired in public, we all know that. but i'm ashamed to say, that ours were almost right there for the world to see, as we slowly but surely came to realise that this man, had a side to him that none of us knew. how long had he been this person that was so celebrated, so loved, so open? we had just had a taste of his goodness and he was taken away. forever to be known only a certain way to us. it leaves quite a bitter taste in the mouth to know that we never paid him the due respect.

but for what that was lacking, we can only hope to make up for now. in the aftermath of such news, it's time to wake up. it's time to move on and realise, that life, does go on.