i am me

woke up at 5.30 on the morning of the 23rd to a text message that banished any residual sleepiness clouding my foggy brain. there's been a passing in the family. but to my surprise, no wave of sadness came, no shocked sense of disbelief, not even the tiniest feeling of woe. how is it that i could feel nothing from this news that would, i'm sure, in other people would have garnered wails of sorrow and the beating of chests in anger.

maybe it was because i knew this passing was inevitable and that no matter how much we bargain and barter, it would be to naught.

as i got to the airport, with no ticket and no idea of when the next flight out was, i could not help but wonder, was this really necessary?

i hold no claim to knowing this member of the family as well as i should have. seeing as i'm one of the elder of the cousins, i should have more memories of him and in that sense, would have known him better. but i'm ashamed to say that i don't. and that is probably the only thing i regret.

as i paid for the ticket, i looked around me. airports are both at once joyful and sad. but the one thing that binds the two is love.

i look at the other people around me, waiting for the flight. how many of them, like me are rushing home for an emergency? could it be that slightly elderly uncle, who's burying his nose in his newspaper, trying to shut out the world and shield himself from the staring eyes of people who have noticed his slightly swollen eyes, the slightly reddened nose? or could it be the couple sitting in the corner, heads bowed closed to each other, with his arms around her shoulders comforting, whispering words of hope into her ear?

or who among us, had different agendas? maybe a married man, taking a 'business trip' somewhere he knows he won't be seen. a young lady off to travel the world to see what else there is to life other than the mundane everyday dance around the different cubicles in the office. an elderly couple spending the rest of their lives together, traveling to visit loved ones in different parts of the world, grandchildren they adore and dote on.

life goes on. no matter what 'agenda' you have. life goes on. and with that, so does love.

the next few days were a blur. a rush of getting to different places and putting on faces. and in particular, of mending fences.

dirty laundry should never be aired in public, we all know that. but i'm ashamed to say, that ours were almost right there for the world to see, as we slowly but surely came to realise that this man, had a side to him that none of us knew. how long had he been this person that was so celebrated, so loved, so open? we had just had a taste of his goodness and he was taken away. forever to be known only a certain way to us. it leaves quite a bitter taste in the mouth to know that we never paid him the due respect.

but for what that was lacking, we can only hope to make up for now. in the aftermath of such news, it's time to wake up. it's time to move on and realise, that life, does go on.