i'm a messy person.

i've got a messy room.
my bed is constantly unmade, except for when i know my mum is coming to visit.
i've got a messy dressing table.
makeup strewn whichever way. makes it easier to reach for instead of having to dig around.
i've got an extremely messy closet.
clothes stacked all the way up to mars. i'm always finding little surprises of clothes i've not seen for months.
i've got messy hair.
untameable in fact. not without help from serums and taming creams. it still manages to look unruly even after blowing it to within an inch of it's life.

but i love cleaning.

tidying up. rearranging stuff. straightening askewed items.

but it always gets messy again. no matter how hard i try to stay neat.

and it's weird. because i hate being messy. i hate untidiness. and i hate things out of order.

my life is one big 'huh?'

i can never really figure out what i want. my head and heart can never agree. as with most people, i'm sure. is it normal to feel lost this often?

maps. GPS. street signs. relayed directions.

we all have help finding where to go. but which way is the right way? the beaten path is always an easy answer. just following in another person's footsteps. to walk on the same trampled and beatened down path that will lead us a safer, satisfactory place.

but what if i don't want to? who makes these paths? what makes it the right path in the first place? who decides these things?

i don't just want to follow blindly. i need to know. i need to question.

but what if i don't like the answer? do i still follow? or do i branch out and make my own path?
how do i answer this question?

ever been in a situation where you know it's too good to be true? where everything doesn't seem possible? where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop? story of my life.

i've never fully lived. not really. i'm always too worried about what may happen or whether what i'm going through is real.

and for the last 2 months, everything has probably been a lie. the emotions, the excitement, the expectation. we're all guilty of being caught up in the moment and letting it all just carry on without letting it sink in fully. we hope that it would last, but ultimately, it never does.

the other shoe always drops.

but hope is never far away. we hope for a better day, we hope that it wouldn't bother us, we hope that time will heal all wounds. and hope, is what keeps us going. somehow, it's the one thing that we never give up on. if all else fails, there's always hope. because what we don't know, carries a promise. we can never really say that everything will turn out bad unless we know it. and with hope, we will never know.

and with hope, we will constantly put ourselves out there. to receive and to give. to see and to be seen. to love and to be loved. out heart will never tire of hope, or love. even though right now, we may be shattered and torn and hurt; time, hope and love will heal all brokenness.

so here i am, asking Time, Hope and Love, to heal me.