please ignore last night's post. after reading it through, i realise i'm sounding very selfish and immature.

i apologize.

there was something in the hospital the other day that really touched my heart. i have this patient who's suffering from dementia and had a stroke for the past 3 years. so she's paralysed and can't really move much. and there's only one person that looks after her. her husband.

let's call them Mr. and Mrs. F shall we?

my doctors and Mr. F were discussing Mrs. F's condition one day while she was sleeping and it was heartwrenching to see the pain and sorrow in Mr. F's face after he realised that she's never getting better and that it was only a matter of time before she would go. it was a difficult moment. Mr. F, i could tell, was torn between feeling sad and feeling relieved. i know i would, if i knew someone i loved was suffering and was about to go, i'd be sad but a tad bit relieved. sad, to know that in a short while, emptiness will all be what's left in my heart and relieved to know that pain and suffering no longer dominate what's left of that person.

while talking, Mrs. F wakes up. it was obvious, the confusion and slight terror in her eyes as she couldn't register where she was and why there were so many other people around her. she started to shake, but before she could utter a sound, Mr. F turned to her and says,

'there's my sweetheart! how's she feeling this morning? i've missed you.'

and then the terror was gone. all i could see and feel now was the love that these two people have for each other. no matter where they were or what was going on around them, it was all that mattered. she calmed down, but i could see that it wasn't going to be that simple for Mr. F to calm down. tears started rolling down his eyes as he came to realise that very soon, this would all be over. and with nothing to show for it.

i couldn't take it anymore. i pretended to cough and ran away. only to realise that i was crying too. it was all so unfair and uncalled for. yet, it was so beautiful at the same time. how does one find a love that strong, that they would stick with it, even through such illness? imagine the suffering Mr. F would have to go through. feeding her, bathing her, changing her, talking to her, putting her to sleep. she's back to being a helpless toddler, who's life revolves around who's going to feed and clean her. he doesn't have the stamina or the energy to do that, i'm quite sure, yet, he stuck through it.

another case i saw, was of this old asian lady, who had a stroke but got better, had kidney failure, but is undergoing dialysis and now, she's got pneumonia. there was one day, she was looking particularly sickly and my doctors were quite certain that she wouldn't last the night. sadly, she couldn't understand english and had to rely on her grandchildren to translate for her. when we told her grand daughter, that it wasn't going to be a good outcome, her grand daughter just stared at us. her aunt was by her elbow, pulling at her sleeve, asking what the white doctors were saying, tugging and tugging, asking and asking. but the grand daughter couldn't bear to say the words. i know why. if she repeated those words, then it would be real. she couldn't bring herself to translate. before she could pull herself together, she started to cry. and it just gripped my heart. i looked at the poor old woman and i thought to myself,

'why am i here?
is it just to tell people that their loved ones are dying?
that there's nothing we can do?
what if she were MY grandmother and they were telling me these things?'

i don't know if i'm strong enough for this.

but i know, whatever i'm going through now, doesn't begin to compare to what these people have to endure.

Lord, give me strength, give me courage, give me the will to go on.

i'm just not getting better. i really don't know why.

my phlegm initially was jade green.

after 2 days, it turned clear.

and then yesterday, it turned cream green.

i just don't get it.

i'm popping panadols and clarinases like anything and nothing seems to work.

and now, my sinuses hurt. and it's giving me a headache.

how to study like this?

read, read, cough, cough.

read, read, blow nose, blow nose,

read, read, choke, cough, choke, cough.

it's utterly irritating.

i've been coughing so much, whenever i swallow, i can feel the small tears and varices in my throat. and it hurts.

and i feel really bad because i think i might be distracting the girls when they're trying to study also.

sigh.

i hate this. my emotions are all over the page. i can feel happy one minute and really down the next. it's just playing havoc with my head. how does one keep their wits around them when they can't even control their own emotions? i can't seem to keep a level head anymore. damn stupid.

and now, i'm bitching and whinging again.

remember what i said about liking the cold? i take that back. i hate it. no matter how many layers i pile on, my hands and feet still remain cold. hot water bottles only last so long, and the heater can't be turned on that long since it sucks up the electricity like mad.

i shall try and perk up now. maybe i'm feeling down since i'm sick and it's that time of the month when i'm particularly moody.

i miss my family.

you know what i like to do?

this....

check out the amount of gunk that came off my nose. and that's not taking into account the rest of the gunk that i pressed out after that.

i like pinching out blackheads and whiteheads. i know i'm not supposed to. but i do it anyway. makes my face feel clean.

still sick. the sore throat came back. but the cough is less phlegmy. and i got to go to hospital today. hoorah...

trying to eat healthily, so i'm cutting back on the fatty and carbo-laden stuff. so...no more rice for me. save one or two meals a week.

looks like a lot of green right. hahaha...right. on the left, is grilled salmon with steamed vegetables. and on the right is grilled chicken salad.

so ang-moh-fied. sometimes i miss the char koay teow and the greasy roti canai and the asam laksa and the yong tau foo and the bak kut teh and the loh mai kai. sigh...i wanna go home.

i had a dream last night that one of my teeth fell out. it was super scary ok!! it was like i had these HUGE teeth and one of my canine teeth started moving. i dunno why. it just did. it was like moving away from the normal space and leaning behind. and when i touched it, it was movable! so i could adjust it back into place and move it around and such. and then suddenly when i was adjusting it, it came out in my hand!! it looked huge! seirously. like a 50cent coin. i was panicking and panicking and thinking, oh no!! now i got a hole in my mouth! what am i to do?? do i have to wear a fake tooth now?! eeyier....so ugly already!

yoh...i sound so bimbo in the dream. thank goodness i woke up and realised it was a dream. i shall now begin to wear my retainers religiously again. damn scared, damn scared.

oh...and i have officially become, a roller auntie. yes, you heard it right. a roller auntie. what is a roller auntie you must be wondering. well, i will tell you what a roller auntie is. but first, rollers...

now, i've got straightened hair right? which, out of the dumbest whims of my life, i went to do last december. i hate straight hair. like, seriously. i hate it. it's limp, it's lifeless, it's boring and it's really not nice to play with. the only upside about it is that it never gets messy. but i like messy, especially the 'i-just-got-out-of-bed' kind of messy. that makes it look kind of sexy. but straight hair does absolutely nothing of the sort. so, i decided to try and maybe put some body back into it. maybe it'll look like my normal hair again. the one where i can look messy in. like, sexy-messy. so, i went and bought hair rollers. i thought to myself, why not give it a shot? nothing to lose right?

right.

so rollers in my hair, and blow, blow, blow.

now, you know what i mean when say i've become a roller auntie.

and this was the outcome.

not too bad lerh...might continue being a roller auntie until my hair grows out and my natural hair takes over.

it happened again.

i TRIED not to open my mouth.

i TRIED to just smile and take notes.

i TRIED to keep a low profile and run away whenever i needed to cough or blow my nose.

but...

they caught me.

and sent me home from hospital again.

*bip bip bip beeeeeeeeeeep*

*bip bip bip beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

**click**

7.30am...

time to get out of bed.

but i don't want to.

i'm sick afterall.

doesn't matter.

go anyway...you have to.

i blearily stumble to the toilet, did what i had to do, and shuffled back into my room.

what to wear? what to wear? ah, heck it, i'm gonna wear jeans today.

belt, belt...where's my belt? i can't find my belt. ah, screw it, i'll just keep hiking them up today.

7.53am...

shit...hurry, the bus is coming.

hurry, hurry, hurry..

shoes, shoes...which one to wear? black shoes? yeah..i suppose so.

quick, quick...bus bus...

run, run...phew..made it. 3 more minutes.

wait, wait...

good morning, how are you? i'm well, thank you. you did? oh, that's good. waiting for the bus? so am i. headed to the city? that's nice. have a nice day.

bus, ah bus...where are you ah bus...

ah...bus. wait. it's not my bus. it's ok...

20 minutes go by.

BUS, AH BUS!! WHERE ARE YOU AH??

AH BUS!!! yes! NOOO!!! it's not my bus again!!

43 minutes go by. this is ridiculous. oh yes, ma'am, i'm sure the bus will be here any minute. you're going to get a cab? i think that's a good idea.

*can i get a lift please???*

look at my watch...it's already 8.46am. damn it. i'm late. so gonna get screwed. shit, shit, shit.

bus? is that you bus? YES! that's my bus!

quick, quick...

drive, stop, drive, stop, pick up more passengers, drive, drive, jam, jam...

no, no, no, no....cannot be happening.

*ting*

finally.

excuse me, excuse me, thank you, thank you.

run, run *pant pant*

hurry, hurry, i'm late, i'm late.

i'm here!

congratulations. you've just missed the meeting.

shit.

i'm sorry dr, i had to wait almost an hour for the bus. it was really late this morning.

that's alright. wait...why are you speaking like that? are you sick??

urm...yeah?

then, GO HOME! what are you doing here?

but, but! i just got here!

well, i'm sorry, but go home! rest.

seriously???

yes! i don't want our patients to catch what you have...

whaT? i probably got it from one of them!

yes, but not all of them have it. go home, grace. it's ok. if you're too sick and can't call to say you're not coming, then don't come.

really?? ok then. bye.

should have stayed in bed.

it's amazing how i can get so caught up in the right now and how my world just suddenly shrinks to the size of a pinhead. i focus so much on how NOW is supposed to be and how NOW is stressing me out and how NOW doesn't seem to ever pass that i forget that there's a whole big world out there. that the bigger picture is where i'm headed to. i forget that God has a bigger purpose for my life than RIGHT NOW.

God is teaching me,

He's molding me,

He's healing me,

not the superficial wounds that reopen and bleed again,

but from the inside,

to change, to become a better person,

not only for myself, but also for the people around me.

as for the right now? i'm just gonna ride it out. with God next to me.

in a couple of hours, it will be my daddy's birthday. the most hardworking, tolerant, patient, silly-willy, lame-o daddy there is on earth.

his hard work, his sweat, his blood and his tears all were shed and are still being shed for his three daughters. ensuring that they get the education they want, get the clothes they want, get the lifestyle they want.

sometimes life doesn't seem fair to such a good man. a man who has worked so hard for the better part of his life. but it never breaks this man's spirit. he continues to persevere. he continues to plough through the tough times and in the end, comes out victorious. even if only for a short time.

i used to hear stories from my mother about how my daddy would drive me around in the car if i couldn't be put to sleep. he would go round and round until i would finally doze off and then he would put me to bed.

i remember also how he would push me around in a pram all over the city of Kuala Lumpur when i was a little girl every weekend to take me shopping. i guess that's why i shop so much now...heh.

i remember all the little sesame street toy figurines he bought for me while working in Singapore because he knew i loved them. and also the sesame street wall picture he painted which hung in my room for the longest time, until we shifted house.

i remember there was one time my daddy got really sick with dengue fever and stayed at home for a few days. i had never seen him so sick and so weak. as a little girl, i was so worried that i would lose him, i would pray every night for him to get better.

i remember the many times when i had very violent bicycle crashes, he would be the one that would clean my wounds. the first aid box he bought in the UK while studying emptied for my battle wounds.

i remember standing before him whenever my report book came out and if i didn't do well, he would take out the cane and give me strokes on my hand. i knew it was for my own good and i know that it must have hurt him more than it hurt me to discipline me in that way.

i remember disappointing him many, many times and making a mess out of my life in many ways. but i also remember how he would forgive me and give me second chances, always advising and guiding me in any way he can.

i remember the saturday mornings where he would knock on my door and wake us up to go for breakfast. often having to wait for sometime before all of us were ready. the same way he would wait patiently whenever we would take forever to dress up if we had somewhere to go.

i remember coming home late at nights when the whole house was asleep and he would suddenly appear from his room as i walk up the stairs. bleary eyed and sleepy faced, he would ask why i was home so late and that i should have called.

i remember the little books and devotional material he would give me to ensure that my faith and that walk with God would be secure. and his little mini sermons he would share whenever we had family prayer sessions.



daddy...here's to you. have a wonderful birthday. i love you.

i made strawberry muffins today since it's the strawberry season now. planning to give some to my registrar and my consultant tomorrow. a little bit of apple polishing to ensure i get a good evaluation never hurt anyone *snicker*. i should do this more often. i miss baking. and i think i might be a bit too dependant on the modern baking facilities like the cake mixer, the accurate measuring cups, the MAID that washes up after i make a HUGE mess. so today, i had to minimise the mess and minimise the utensil usage. hahaha...

so i'm hoping they'll be BLOWN away with the muffins and be super nice to me. not that they haven't been. but there's no harm in coating my bum with some padding is there?

*grin*


i have a feeling i'm gonna get some very curt criticism from some people for doing this. hmmm...

had itchy fingers and clicked on everyone's link on my sidebar. most of them weren't updated but then some were. and so happened, i was reading keshialicious' blog and jolly good, she tagged the reader. bleh..so..i'm gonna waste more of my precious time, doing the tag.


Condoms: don't have that, but i have this plasticky, rubbery thing i took from the ward..does that count?

Cell phone: who wouldn't have one in this day an age? yes, i have a cell phone, a nokia 6288 that every IMU student here in queensland has.

Chair/stool: yes, quite a comfortable office chair i bought from KMart and cost me 39AUD

Book shelf: eh...not sure if it's called a bookshelf...buuuuut, i have books in it.

Dresser: urm...wat's a dresser? is it a tallboy where i fold my clothes and put it in? or a dressing table? anyhoo..i have neither.

Computer: i have a laptop...

Bean bag: don't have...but i want to get one! i have a one seat plush chair sitting in the corner..

Pictures: yes, i do. pictures of my family..

Mirror: multiple mirrors all across my room. no, i'm not a narcissist

Skateboard: urh...no...very bad sense of balance on one.

Bed: yes...a very small bed on the floor in a corner of my room..

Clothes: it's on every surface of my room. quite literally...

Surfboard: nioppppe............

Smoke detector: there's one outside my room...

Piano/keyboard/guitar/bass/drums: don't have! which i'm very sad about! i must remember to bring my guitar next year...

Locking door: my door cannot lock..got keyhole, but no key..

Bottle of water: urm...do 2 bottles of wine count?

2A blacklight: what's that? i have a pentorch though...

Medals/ribbons: not here with me, they're in my room back home..

Awards: nadah...

Sport accessories: socks and running shoes? ooohh oooh! tights...

CDs: only ONE. the ladies of jazz..

Flag: if it's big and has flowers and is thick enough to be used as a blanket, then...no

Stop sign/any sign: urh...there's a white board in my room? with lots of words on it?
Caution tape: no lah...where got...

Paintball: never tried

Real Gun: paintball gun never hold before, what makes u think i've held a real gun?

Cigarettes: with the number of patients i see dying of lung disease? no thank you...

Candle: fire alarm sets off too easily...cannot afford to burn, and then pay the fireman..

Books: oh yeah...got as many books as i do clothes...

Nintendo: nope

Play Station: nope

Xbox: nope

Stereo: my laptops's my stereo

Television: there's a HUGE sony trinitron outside my room...other than that, my laptop's my tv

Lighter: nope

Gum: everyday...keeps the mouth fresh and clean...good for talking to patients...

How many windows do you have in ur room?: 3

What is the color of your walls?: boringly white..

Hardwood floor, tile, or carpet? : hardwood

What color is your bed?: the bed or the bedsheet? the bed's grey and the bedsheet's off white...

What are on yr walls?: nothing..not allowed to stick anything on it

Has the opposite sex been in your room before? : not for the right reasons...

and i tag everyone on my sidebar links..

i just got back from a wedding dinner.

sigh..

'don't find a person you think you can live with for the rest of your life, find a person you cannot live without'

it was so nice.

took a lot of pictures. but all the ones with me in it turned out really ugly. dunno why. i guess it's not my day for looking good. which was quite a shame since i dressed up all nice nice and wanted to look good. i blame it on bad lighting and a bad face day. hmph...will post them all up on multiply soon.

so this was the dress i wore for the wedding dinner. tossed the morning dress into the wash so didn't get to take a pic of me in it. i'm still sitting here, in front of the computer. too lazy to change into my pyjamas. the groom said some very poignant things about his love for his bride. about how love isn't just a feeling, but it's also adjustment, commitment, tolerance and patience.

'love is when a person wakes up at 4 in the morning to make breakfast to prevent me from forgetting to eat the whole day when i'm busy'

'love is patiently waiting 2 hours for a facial and missing the finals of a footie game'

'love is when a person goes all out of the way to buy the other's favourite cake, only to find that it's not being made during this time'


what is love to you?

well, to me, love is not giving up when things get tough, when things aren't all a bed of roses, when it's giving more than taking.

giving up one's self for when it calls,
no excuses, no delays.
even when things don't seem to be in your favour,
compromise, let it pass, grow with it.

i once sang a song that said,

'i don't want just a memory, give me forever,
and don't even think about, saying goodbye,
cause i, just want one love, to be enough,
and remain in my heart till i die'

how naive i was. to think that it would all be ok just because there was love. just ONE love, would be enough.

stupid.

i don't think i'll ever see love the same way again.

EDIT

found a picture of the morning dress. not full length though.

myra and chui ee came for the wedding too. was really good seeing them again. tells me i'm not alone.

so tired...just got back from hospital. and i've got to wake up at 6 tomorrow morning. if this keeps up, i'll have eyebags down to my chin. then it'll be:

"STEP RIGHT UP FOLKS AND SEE THE WOMAN WITH THE CHIN-LONG EYEBAGS! A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNItY!

hey you boy! yes, you! don't you want to see this spectacular freak of nature? come on in! be astounded and amazed!"

i'm being an idiot...

this happens when i'm tired.

lack of posts during the week has been due to the fact that i've been worrying myself shitless about my results. quite literally shitless since i've had diarrhoea for a few days.

about 2 days ago, ying wei called me from hospital when i had gone home and said.

'mental health results are out you know? you have to call jane turner. linda just emailed her. daniel and raj both got their results already'

my heart just quite suddenly stopped beating in my chest for a good 45 seconds. it just stopped. i started shaking and broke out in a cool sweat even though the temperature was 14 degrees.

it was already about 5 in the evening and i thought the office hours were over. so i was contemplating whether to email at that moment or just wait til the next day. i decided to get it over with and proceeded to email jane turner. only, i didn't have her email address. so i emailed the mental health coordinator instead. and of course, i didn't get a reply after checking about an hour later. that's when linda called and said she had received her results and told me to email jane turner personally. i got the email address off her and sent off the email.

i was feeling rather peckish that night. i made steak with onions, roast potatoes and boiled carrots. was happily munching on my carrots when linda said, she received a second email concerning the second part of her results and said my results probably would be out too.

again, my heart stopped. i think it sank. and as it sank, it must have dropped into my stomach 'cause i swear, my food starting spilling out into my throat and threatened to gag me.

i got on my computer, logged onto my UQ email and really, there it was. just sitting in my inbox. with no clue on the email title as to whether i had passed or failed.

oh gosh...if i had failed, i would have to repeat the rotation and stay back an extra 2 months and payu an extra AUD7K. i did NOT want that.

and i came home from this resit exam completely devastated and convinced that i would fail. it just went so horribly wrong, no words can describe. it was all going uphill until it came to the part where they started asking questions i had never even thought about and then it all came tumbling down for me. i was in tears as i left the exam room.

this ALL came rushing back to me as i sat there, going to open the email. all the mistakes i made during the exam, how i should have answered in a different way and how i should have just studied a bit more, how it would feel to be alone here while everyone would have gone on and graduated, how my parents would feel that extra pinch in their pockets at having to fork out more money for my stupid failure.

*click*

it opened

Dear Grace,
You have just scraped through the viva, and I need to see you to give
you some feedback before we can consider your results complete. I could
see you on Thursday 14th at 10-30. Please confirm ASAP if this is
suitable and if not please let me know some times when you are available
Best wishes
Jane T

at the words 'scraped through' i was SO RELIEVED!~ and then it came to the part where i had to meet her to confirm and then i became not so sure again.

did i pass???

or is that just a nice way of saying that she needs to reassess me?

oh gosh.

i started messaging people and asking what they made of that cryptic message. most of them agreed that i had passed. but that there might have been something in the air that hasn't been cleared.

so...i tell you, it was super stressful.

i met up with her yesterday and after 2 minutes of telling her what i should have said and they type of drugs i should have given, since it was this part that i knew brought me down, she said,

'ok. pass. bye.'

I LEAPT OUT OF MY CHAIR IN FRONT OF HER AND WENT

'YESSSS!!!'

so shy.

so yeah...i've passed. phew. that's a load of my back.

this whole thing about me passing seriously is not of my own doing. i can safely say that. there's only ONE who could have helped me through this time. all the while comforting me and increasing my faith in HIM. this i can only attribute to my Lord, Jesus Christ. without HIM, i don't think i would even have made it. Thank you Lord, for you wonderful love for me and for showing me that whenever things are seen as impossible, it is completely possible to YOU.

oh, and i passed my general practice rotation as well.

2 down. 3 more to go.

...

was at a party the other day. won't say whose for fear of being found out. but i was at party the other day. a barbeque party. who in their right minds would want to throw a barbeque party when it's 16 degrees out?

so anyway, had a few drinks, met some new people, got hit on my some really weird ones and some not so weird ones.

there was this middle aged man from south africa who kept coming over to where i was and would just look at me and start smiling. you'd think it was ok until he started talking about going to malaysia when i return home so that he could come and see me.

*ding ding ding*

and there was this other guy. i don't really know where's he from, but i think he's from the middle east. he looks like a complete nerd who's trying really hard to fit in and be cool by smoking a lot, wearing very little and drinking like a camel. so...he came up to me and started talking, i can't remember about what since i was too busy checking out this hip hop instructor who had suddenly broke out in a dance number. *oh so hot* but then, suddenly, the host, came around carrying a camera and this middle eastern dude just grabbed me and wanted to take a picture with me. excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? hello? you think i simply take pictures with anyone arh? please...no. actually, yes la, but i didn't want to be captured for eternity with this dude standing next to me, so i stepped away and proceeded to start talking to some girls. wah...i must sound quite the horrible now.

*ding ding ding*

now this next one. not so bad. he was quite good looking, from taiwan, had ears like my sister. a little bit monkey-ish. but made him all the more endearing. he was the bartender for the night and was a housemate of the host. needless to say, he kept me well-stocked the whole night. found out he wants to be a teacher and go to japan to learn japanese. quite impressive. didn't exchange numbers since i had to rush off, but he made me promise to visit the host again so we could go out.

i think i might just pay them a visit this weekend.

...

on another note, i'm going for a wedding this weekend! gonna meet up with all the old fogies from PJEFC who've migrated over to this land down under. i'm so excited. maybe i'll go shopping for a new dress later. eeee!! can't wait.

...

ying wei and i did laundry this morning

2 girls, washing one week's worth of laundry each. wow...that's a lot of clothes. i can't believe it myself. especially the amount of panties we go through. ok well, those are just MY panties. hers are hanging somewhere on the sidelines on a smaller clothesline. i wanted the sunshiney smell on mine so i hung them out there.

...

i just recently realised that my parents are getting more and more internet and technology savvy. i know there are parents out there who are whizzes are these sort of things. but i've gotten used to them asking

'eh...how to send message ah?'

'eh...can type this up for me ah?'

'eh...how to go online ah?'

and now, they, well, at least my mum can expertly sms me and talk to me on msn and search youtube and go online to take my friends test thing which i posted up. this is kinda freaky.

but what's worse is, she's getting better than me at shortcutting her messages.

she messaged me the other night asking me to search for this video on youtube. i did and true enough, it made me laugh like she said it would. but what shocked me most was how she KNEW how to search youtube for these funny videos. so i asked her.

'how you know how to search youtube for videos like these ar?'

and she replied,

'hfllsp wtcing'

it took my a whole 2 minutes to actually figure out what that message was. i'm not telling so you all go figure it out yourselves.

she can just send a message like that and expect me to understand. WTF?? i mean...type something in shortcut that is understandable larrrr...

even i don't shortcut my messages. unless i absolutely have to. if i were to write out ALL the shortcuts she uses, it'll take up a whole new blog post.

and she can go online and surf already! i mean...there goes our liberty. she now knows what we all do online and she now knows how to do it as well. is nothing sacred out there for us young people anymore?? or are we getting old too?

Create your own Friend Test here

stuck at home with a cranky tummy and a fever. been up most of the night retching and purging. out from both ends. how fun is that.

tried to cheer myself up by searching for some funny videos to watch and i found this:

for those who don't know, these girls had a season on Singapore's tv with a show called Girls Out Loud. didn't show in Malaysia of course so i ended up watching all the episodes on YouTube. i must say it's quite entertaining. really. they're not afraid of touching on controversial issues and it's all done in the best taste. humour. i think that's the best way of approaching any sort of topic.

so anyway, i found the video quite cute. and it was shot in genting if i'm not wrong.

humour me lar if i'm not posting anything of substance. i'm sick, ok. and i'm missing hospital. it's making me feel very guilty. and i'm still waiting for my mental health resit results so very panicking lorh. i hope i pass. please, just let me pass.

i don't often dream anymore.

somehow it's just too painful to do.

i used to dream.

loads.

i'd dream about my life. about how it should and would be. having that wonderful job and wonderful partner. being idealistic to the point of silliness.

dreams tend to make us that way. silly, i mean. they take us away from what we should be concentrating on. we drift on a sea of hope, of dreams. floating without an anchor, without a safety rope tied around a rock. our only concern is where we're going to land next. but what we don't see are the rocks beneath, waiting to run us aground. jarring us back into reality and sinking our dreams and hopes to the depths of the deepest abyss.

why do we dream? why do we put ourselves through this 'torture' of wishing and hoping, knowing full well that it will never come to pass? why do we set unrealistic expectations which, that when it crashes just drags us deeper down that abyss?

because...

without dreams, we will never reach.

without hope, we will never rejoice.

without expectations, we will never live.

only...

don't get carried away dreaming and hoping and expecting. because even if sometimes we get lucky, we're never lucky always.


do i dare to dream?

i don't know.

so i'm home alone today.

my day off since i'm on take at the hospital on sunday night.

decided to cook myself a healthy lunch. one with no carbs since i'm on a diet. again.

had a piece of fish (is it a piece when it's a whole fish? or should i just call it fish?) in the freezer that had been sitting there for about a month. but thanks to deep freeze, it was still ok. i think. decided to wrap it in aluminium foil with some veggies and bake in the oven.

but to my horror, when i washed the fish, i found out it had not been gutted! stupid fishmongers here didn't clean the fish for me! yuck!! so...i had to gut it myself. i have NEVER done this before. i know i cook a lot, but i don't gut fish a lot. so...trying to remember how they do it on tv, i slit the fish's belly and eeeeeewww! all the gross red, red looking things just oozed out. yuuuuckk!! i stuck my hand in and tried to grab hold of as much red, red looking things as i could. blerrrgh!! luckily, i'm very skillful and managed to get it clean without barfing in my mouth too much.

then it was season, season, season and into the oven.

DING!

25 minutes later, it was done. looked good. smelt good. i cut a piece and put it in my mouth. and instead of a mouthful of fish, it was a mouthful of scales. stupid fishmongers didn't de-scale the fish for me either!! grrrr...so i had to scrape off the fish skin, which thankfully came off easily before i could devour my very tasty fishy lunch.

it's cold and rainy. thought i could snuggle in bed for a long time this morning, but i woke up at the very early hour of 8am. holy guacamole! what the heck am i doing wide awake?? but i couldn't get back to sleep so i woke up and scrubbed the toilet clean. smells pretty and fresh now. and there's got to be something wrong when i can clean the whole toilet, scrubbing on my hands and knees and NOT SWEAT. the only thing that got wet was my shirt when i accidentally turned on the shower and it rained down into my sleeve. cold, cold water.

i kinda like the cold weather. makes my cheeks pink.

i miss singing.

anyone wanna sponsor me a guitar since i didn't think to bring mine along with me when i came over?

the feeling of strumming the strings of a guitar gives me a sense of comfort when things seem to be going awry.

it's the same feeling i get when my fingers run across the piano keys, making music and hearing a tune in my head come to life.

when all the clutter in my head begins to overwhelm,
it soothes my soul and comforts my thoughts,
it's an expression of emotion, and expression of love,
the temporary shelter it provides, the safe haven for the now,

like cymbals, life crashes, ringing loud and long,
jarring me again from the silence of my wake,
and again i'm back to where i detest,
without a choice, the world i have to face,

but for now, just this one moment,
i remember the keys, i remember the strings,
i play them in my mind, as often as i please,
and for now, just this one moment,
i'm at peace, i'm at peace.

i absolutely HATE HATE HATE banking.

especially when it's internet banking where i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS forget my client number and pin number.

i've just spent the last 20 minutes trying to log into my account.

tried numerous numbers written all over my statements and NOTHING!

all the numbers were WRONG.

and now my account is FROZEN.

and i can't un-freeze it since it's 10 pm at night and the stupid bank doesn't offer a 24 hour service hotline where they can help me undo all the stupid damage they put me in, in the first place.

ok..

maybe it's my own fault for not remembering my numbers. but when i have so many other numbers to remember, it's not easy ok!

i tried writing it down...but i lost the paper.

there's quite a large number of dollars in my account that is currently inaccessible. great.

i'm such dead meat if my mother finds out about this. i hope she forgot i have a blog.

my mum just said i could go home in july!

for one week only though, since that's all i have.

but but but...

it's better than nothing!!!

i feel happy

i feel bouncy

i feel light

i feel shiny
i feel uplifted
i feel giddy
i feel euphoric
i feel excited

but but but...

i still need to get through the next 7 weeks.

STARDEEEE LA YOU!!

the girls and i on the city cat cruise along the brisbane river yesterday. took ying wei's mum, aunt and little bro around to see the sights along the river.

looks kinda gloomy, i know, since yesterday was a tad bit cloudy. but like that little patch of opening sunshine in the clouds, life has it's little ups when all you can see is down.

and of course, the mandatory picture of my new boots. which are super comfortable. i'm quite happy with them. they're the perfect height and i love the colour. it isn't too shiny and too matte. the front is rounded nicely and doesn't pinch my toes. i can walk hours (which i've done) in them and not complain. they may not be leather, but they're as soft as leather and definitely way within my price range. they cost me 48AUD after discount. so i'm quite happy. =)

it has been a long and hectic week. every hour had me counting longingly the hours till the weekend.

*deep breath*

general medicine rotation has just started. and it's got me peeing in my pants every 20 or so minutes a day. chasing after consultants and registrars. being put on the spot everytime they ask me a question i can't seem to remember the answer to. it has got me really stressed.

so stressed, to the point where i had an epiphany. it was during a bus ride home with ying wei and we were both asking ourselves. is this what we want to do for the rest of our lives? it looks so easy when the others do it. but when it comes to me, i'm plagued by this fear that i won't be able to remember so much and be able to help anyone who needs my help. so for now, i'm flying at a very low radar so as to keep out of the limelight and to try and learn as much as possible during the next 7 weeks.

*stress*

saw my first autopsy the other day. it was on this old man who died from pleural effusion. but the cause of the pleural effusion was a bit dubious, so the doctors decided to cut him open, slice up his lung into little pieces and try to find out what's wrong. it was morbidly fascinating watching them cut this old man up. one must have a pretty strong stomach to stand the smell and the crudeness of it all. i mean...they used large wire cutters from a hardware store to cut open the ribs at the side. and when they were cutting open the skull, it was just klunk, klunk, klunk all the way. no finesse at all. i guess it's not all about glamour in this medical profession.

stole scrubs while in the mortuary. unfortunately, it was the wrong kind. you know how there are shirt and pants scrubs and then a different kind for the nurses? well, i stole the nurses scrubs. and it turned out to be some sort of dress. after going home and showering, i discovered my mistake and when i wore it, with a long white sleeved shirt inside and my hair up in a towel, i was the spitting image of a nun. to be precise, i looked like Maria from the Sound of Music. i came out of the toilet, expecting to be laughed at and i was not disappointed. at least i make people smile.

on the other hand, ying wei's mother is here. together with her aunt and her little brother. they're all cramped up in her room. offered her mine, but she thought it would be a bit too much of a hassle. they've been sitting at home all week,cooking and cleaning and washing my undies (which i'm very much embarassed by), except for the 2 days when they went to the Gold Coast to visit the themeparks. it's quite obvious to see that they find it quite boring here with nothing to do all the time. so, ying wei and i took them to the city yesterday after hospital and the change in their mindset about brisbane was apparent not that they've seen the other side of the city. looks like it's not so bad after all.

right now, they're cooking up a storm for a dinner they want to give the gang tonight. 20 people in all. they're cooking nasi lemak and curry i think. and a whole lot more of goodies. will take lots of pictures and post them up.

bought this pinafore dress after feeling sick of wearing pants and feeling super unfeminine the whole week. thought it was a nice change to my wardrobe. what do you guys think? funnily enough, when we took the aunts to the casino for a lookaround yesterday, i got stopped at the entrance and was asked to show my ID. i was shocked! i mean...the aunts came back out to say that ying wei and i were the same age and that she didn't have to show her ID. but the guard was adamant. he said he wasn't sure of how old i was since i look like i might be below 18. WHOOOO!! i like the sound of that. since i was thought to have been 28 when i was 18, this makes a nice change. maybe i should dress younger from now on.

i miss my sisters. i feel redundant all the way over here since i can't help them out with whatever they're going through. even the simple task of helping my sister pick out what to wear for an outing lifted me up last night. i miss yelling at them. i miss laughing with them. i miss going out for late night A&W suppers with them. not to mention the roti canai sessions every saturday morning, even though LB would have this sour looking face on when she's woken up a bit too early. i think i'm feeling a tad bit nostalgic now since ying wei's whole family is here. her little brother is a gem. i think because he's grown up with so many older women around him, he's learnt to be a bit more sensitive and affectionate than most boys his age. very cute.

had this conversation with them:

me: auntie...i want to cook dinner for you this friday.
auntie: grace! no need la! i come here to cook for you all!
me: no la auntie...must cook for you a bit also mah...
auntie: no need grace. you all so tired come back from hospital. i cook for you all enough.
brother: it's ok la...as long as we know it comes from the heart, it's enough.

*melt*

now how sweet is that? how many 13 year old boys do you know, would say something like that?

oh well...i better get going. auntie's gonna need everyone's help with preparing food for the army tonight.