i am me

meeting new people is always a bit tricky. it's very much a battle of wits where one's trying to figure out the other before the other does. a bit of a tug of war. i give you this much information about me, now let's see how much you give back. i don't think it's always been that way with me. from ever since i could remember, it was always very easy to make friends because i was so outgoing and outspoken. i'd be the first to approach people, i'd be the first to give an opinion, i'd be the one to laugh the loudest. i'd always be the one to give. and i always thought it was me being friendly. but after encountering some people like that, i've come to realise that it might all just be a facade. true, they're very interesting to be around, but after a while, it becomes very forced and contrived. insecurities, no matter how well hidden, will always surface.

i've become less of an extrovert of late. more willing to let people come to me instead of me to them. i don't have to be the obvious livewire of the party anymore. people watching has now become a favourite past time for me. meaningful conversations have taken center stage now and getting to know people instead of just meeting them have become essential to me.

it's easy to feel alone in a roomful of people. you may think that you're surrounded by people you are acquainted with. but it's very lonely when you come to realise that there's only so much you know about them. that's what i've been feeling of late. i look through my facebook friend's list and wonder...how many of these people do i actually have meaningful relationships with? i've been questioning myself a lot of late, thinking of how many people i've let slip over the years and how i haven't been the greatest at maintaining friendships. i find myself guarded after the initial introduction. after giving, i tend to hold back and always wanting to keep the ball in my court. selfish.

i'm trying my best now at rectifying the situation. my sister tells me to go out and meet new people. but i think i should stick to the ones i have right now, and be a better friend.