i am me

a box of tissues sit next to me. as if tempting me to shed even more tears than i already have. taunting me. i cannot give in. for the sake of my mascara and my mental wellbeing. i have to be strong. i have to move on.

i look at the people around me. they each have their own story and i wonder what it is. how does a person get through each day with this weight of the unknown on their back? i fear for what i don't know. it grips me and doesn't seem to want to let go. how does everyone else look so calm, so collected? as though they know exactly how the next few seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years of their lives will pan out?

i trust in a higher power. but lately, it doesn't seem to be helping much. it's been very silent and very aloof.

the emptiness isn't new. there have always been doubts. always been questions and only partial answers. temporary solutions, but nothing very concrete. my life isn't moving on - it's moving past but yet it's stagnant.

i need to get off this treadmill.