there's a heavy feeling in my heart,
for reasons i cannot discern,
it feels as if something's missing,
for who's hold i cannot grasp.

i know it's right there,
i can see it waiting,
i just have to stretch just that little bit,
fingers brushing, but never grasping.

it eludes me, evades me,
reach, just reach,
i'm coming closer,
i'm almost there.

every step i take,
takes me no further than where i've been,
one step forward, means another one back,
never progressing, never reaching

why is it so hard?
question remains unanswered.
for when the birds fly,
no one can tell.

fields of gold and amber,
burning up inside,
colours splaying, then dying,
never to last forever.

can this be true?

apparently i look very fierce and scary.

that's the opinion of people who have just met me and don't know me yet.

do i really look very fierce and scary?

why la?

is it my eyes?

i think it's my eyes.

curse you small and slitty eyes.

on another note...

i went to visit the two little girls in GC over the weekend. managed to get some shopping done as well. spent a night at their place. had pizza, booze and girly dvds. and of course, not to mention a steaming hot side dish of GOSSIP. no night would be complete without that. all the scandals and jaw-dropping, gasp-inducing, steamy, juicy pieces of gossip.

i need to start spicing up my life. maybe stick in a scandal or two. maybe three.

xue mei offered to pluck my eyebrows. hence positioning.
me, sook yi and xue mei
plus their new housemate, jo lynn.

yin yin....if you come to UQ, i'll drive u to visit them and stay over at their place every weekend or whenever you waaaaant. *dangling bait*

plus, they really want you to come over since your other friend grace is going to be coming as well. you guys could have a mini subang girls gang over here. benefits, benefits.

break is here. trying to figure out what to do. i feel lazy. maybe i'll just chill at home, rent some dvds, and just relax. before i have to start stressing out all over again. vicious cycle i tell you.

grandma's birthday is coming up this weekend. sigh..wish i were there. maybe i can persuade caleb to spring for tickets back home. i'm sure my arm twisting skills will come in handy. and maybe with a touch of blackmail. hmmm...

i just had the most absurd dream ever.

i'm here in rocky by the way, got in this morning on the plane with ying wei. sat next to this bloke who's a physical education teacher in blackwater who flew in to brisbane 24 hours prior for a game of paintball and a night out at the pub with some mates. he sported some massively impressive bruises on his arm and a porn magazine. pretended to sleep when he started flipping through it. so shy.

anyway..back to the dream.

i was taking a nap but not really sleeping...just kinda drifting in and out of consciousness and all of a sudden, i get these feeling in my ears like when you're about to land while on a plane, like something's sucking at you and pushing up back against your seat. so i was like...woah...what was that? and then it happened again. only this time, it was so real and so strong that it pulled me out from under my sheets and pinned me to the wall. my roommate was in the room, and i was yelling for her but my voice was kind of muffled and she couldn't hear me. i was literrally pinned upside down on the wall and yelling and crying. i told myself..this has GOT to be a dream and i tried like in the comic books, to pinch myself and i did but i didn't wake up. by this time, i KNEW it was a dream and i was just telling my brain to open my eyes. but when i finally forced them open, i was still in the dream and panicking. it took all my willpower to finally REALLY open my eyes and when i did, my heart was pounding, i was panting and it seriously felt as though it was real.

weird. and now i've got this horrible neck ache. tried to get justin to fix it but the physiotherapy was worse than the pain. he said i just needed to shut up, relax and let him do his thing. but i couldn't. it hurt too much. so i was going...

'ow..ow..Ow! OOW!!! JUSTIN! THAT HURTS!'

'SHUT UP AND RELAX GRACE.'

justin's a physiotherapist studying to be a doctor by the way. so he worked his voodoo on me and it did get better. for like an hour. but now it's back and it's worse. now...do i subject myself to torture again, or just suck it up?

i'm already planning what to do next week during the break. i think i might just go to the Gold Coast. haven't been there in a while. might just pop over to see how things are with the two little girls there. thinking about heading over to byron bay to pay bryan a visit as well. probably drag soo yi along. he says it's really nice down there and i'm dying to see it. not to mention, it's about time to air out those bikinis that are rotting in the back of my wardrobe.

now..i just need to get back into shape. where are those abs? i can't find them in these folds of skin on my tummy. sigh...

i have to be the world's laziest procrastinator ever. not to mention the most unrepentant.

with a whopping, whale-sized, wonderment of a headache.

it hurts when i move.

it's back to rockhampton tomorrow for debriefing week and exams.

exams.

there's that word again.

exams.

stop it.

exams.

i said enough.

EXAMS.

SHUT UP BRAIN!!

need to study...

only 10 more weeks before i'm back home in malaysia again. the feeling is indescribable. back home for 2 whole months. bliss. i foresee weight gain. but bliss.

grandma's birthday is in a couple of weeks. sad that caleb and i being her 2 oldest grandchildren won't be there. i think we might end up sending a video. which i know, without derlyn's expertise will kinda suck.

speaking of caleb, i'm now bumping into him in the oddest places. it's like we subconsciously know that we're not meeting up enough and just seem to collide fatefully intentionlessly.

friends are good. make sure you have friends. especially friends who spend drinks. and who play stupid games with you. and friends that make you end up with carpet burns. ouch.

i'm tired. my eyes hurt.

need to study...

i realise that my posts are getting very random and very..what's that word again? curt? straightforward? mind's not functioning to form long, mind-boggling sentences that make people go 'hmmm....'

lazy lah...

you know what's the best thing about being back in brisbane?

the sun

and

the sun

and

being able to wear shorts

and

cleaningmyhouseinmybikiniandnotgetanyweirdstaresfrompeoplepassingby.

oh, it is good to be home.

on another note. i think i'll share with some people how nice blackall is. particularly because i met someone and had a bit of fun while i was there.

the soar above the clouds and head spinning kind of fun. he took me to heights i've never been to or have ever experienced first hand in my life.

yes.

i

met

a

pilot

whowasveryinterestingandniceandaccomplishedandhetookforaspininhisplaneonmylastday.

i think i'll stop there for now.

oh...

and my slippers broke. =(

while i was walking in the city and about to meet up with some friends. i could never understand why the aussies love walking around barefoot. it's disgustingly gross since i don't know what i'm stepping on or permitting myself to be exposed to numerous bacteria and germs that lay dormant on the tar and concrete. but i had to do that last night. for a good 800 meters. yuck.

did i mention it was good to be home?

it's good to be home.

it is now that time.

i'm back and happy to be back, in the land of the internet, the land of the cars, the land of the city, the land of the big roads and in the land of fast food. thank GOD for fast food. so fattening, but oh-so-good.

it has been a long almost 2 months and i've missed this.

but i'm back and i'm grateful.

went to watch switchfoot play the night i got back. so gung-ho, was on an adrenaline high to do everything that i was deprived of when i was away. shopping la, eating la, watching tv la, going for concert la, city-combing la. felt goooooooooooood to air my legs. especially since now i can wear shorts and skirts and let my legs breathe. gosh, they're so pale. they need tanning.

exams are really around the corner now and it's crunchtime. study, study, study.

and no. don't expect me to write about what went on during my rural posting. i'm not allowed to. my blog has been found out. and i don't intend on letting it's existence and it's previous contents to marr my assessment.

but i will let you guys know this: i almost got molested by one of the patients and he tried to follow me back to my room. but that...is another story.

Dear Lord,

I'm on my knees and i'm asking for Your strength right now.

help me get through the next 6 weeks while i'm in Blackall.

give me a spirit of acceptance and the right attitude to accept what i cannot change.

I'm scared Lord. I'm scared of being alone there and being unsure of what is to come.

i have no idea what to expect and i'm afraid that i won't be able to cope when i'm there alone and a curveball comes my way.

teach me Lord to turn to You in these times of need, help me Lord to trust that You are in control and that You have my best interests at heart.

hold my hand along this journey Lord. and if need be, please carry me Lord.

UQ has agreed to pay up to 250AUD for my transport to blackall.

there are only 2 ways to get there.

1. i catch a flight from rockhampton to brisbane, then from brisbane, i take a bus to blackall
amount: flight+train+bus (75+10+109) = 194
time needed: about 20 hours altogether.

2. i catch a bus from rockhampton to barcaldine, switch buses and take another bus from barcaldine to blackall.
amount: didn't bother to check since i found out that once i reach barcaldine, i'd be just in time to miss the bus by 10 minutes.

i don't know what to do anymore. it's just starting to get very overwhelming.

sigh...

looks like it's gonna be the 20 hour journey..

EDIT

sitting next to me right now in the student center in rockhampton is a very lovely chap who's tall, cute and really fun. not to mention helpful. why? because he just found me a way to get to blackall for only 60 dollars. mind you, it'll still take me almost 20 hours to get there, but hey, it's so much cheaper. i'd be taking a train from here, rockhampton, to this small town called barcaldine, which takes about 11 hours. there, i'd have to stopover for about 6 hours where i'll board a bus that will take an hour or so to get me to MY little small town of blackall.

so there...i think i owe him a nice dinner or something...but he doesn't want it. so sweet.

in less than 10 hours, i'll be heading back to the land down under. i must be honest in saying that i'm not looking forward to it at all. it seems harder this time round. when i left here earlier this year, i was full of anticipation and expectations over how life is gonna be when i'm there. and needless to say, i've been sorely disappointed. but that's all part of life isn't it? disappointment and sorrow.

the past 2 weeks have been a time of relaxation, a time of reflection, a time of decision and a time of bonding (that's code for bickering, arguing and getting irritated with each other. just like old times).

my family means the world to me.

my mother constantly fussed over me the first few days since i was still slightly sick. she went and bought chinese medicine since apparently the western one didn't work. as much as it sucked, i know she did it because she loved me enough to force-feed it to me. literally looking over my shoulder everytime i had to take it. and if i didn't, she'd take the spoon in hand and feed it to me herself. she went and bought all sorts of chinese medication for me to bring back because she KNOWS that i won't do it myself. she would remind me everyday to be strong and to be mentally prepared for life there. in other words, not to be a wuss. of course there were times when i wanted to strangle her. like the time when she would call me from school just to ask me what i'm doing. there was one day she called me 11 times. in the span of 3 hours. that has GOT to be some sort of record. and as much as it annoyed me at that time, i know i'm going to miss it when i'm all the way across the sea.

my daddy has been a brick. not being a stick in the mud at all. it was so funny how i managed to surprise him when i came home. his eyes damn near popped out of his head. they never looked so big in my life. then came the scolding for not telling him to come pick me up and not informing that i was coming home early. and he'd gone back to protective daddy mode when i would be out late at night and he would call and ask where i was and how come i wasn't home yet. UNTIL he realised that i'm now quite grown up and that he had called me at 10pm. he even forgot my birthday. i guess he was wondering why all of sudden i cooked dinner and was happily tucking into the food when my sisters asked me what i was going to do and he was like...do for what? all eyes turned to him in incredulity over his forgetfulness. but i don't blame him. he's already got so much on his mind trying to make ends meet for his family. so i don't care if he forgets my birthday. just because he loves me so much to want to give me the best that i can have.

esther has been a darling. what with spending time in the car aimlessly driving to KL in the middle of the night just because we felt like it, to having heavy, heavy breakfasts and making lame jokes that make us laugh til no sound comes out. she wrote a post on her blog today which made me cry. lyn if you're reading this, it's with a heavy heart that i'm leaving as well. but i guess it can't be helped. i won't hug you 'cause i know we'll both start bawling like banshees and have puffy, slit eyes tomorrow.

sara as usual has been the diva. but it wouldn't be her if she wasn't. taking her to driving tests and picking her up has been interesting. especially since she failed twice but managed to pass the third time round. third time's a charm as we all know. seeing her starting to dress more grown up like and wearing more makeup than i am and talking like she thinks she knows what's going on has made me feel like i'm missing a huge chunk of her life. she's not the little girl anymore that we use to complain about getting her way after throwing tantrums. in her place, there's this young lady that STILL throws tantrums, but in a different way. i'm not sure WHAT way...but she still manages to do it.

gosh...this sounds like a eulogy. I'M NOT DYING!! but why does it feel like a part of me is?



i'm just cruisin' with my sisters,
we're gonna have some supper,
we're on our way to maccas,
and we're gonna call ah-peng-er,
i'm just cruisin' with my sisters...

as you know...we will always be spastics whatever our age.

choon the gorgeous and me.

yvonne...you know you will always be my first true love...

there...you see...

these are the queens of spaznesssss...

all the ladies....

went out with the girls last night to have a small birthday gathering.

it's so good to see them all again. it seemed only yesterday we were all in school and studying for our SPM exams. now, most of them have careers that are taking off and lives of their own to carry on. makes me feel nostalgic. but even though we've all moved on and built lives our own, i know that somewhere, somehow, we will always be the same girls that used to go to school together. our insecurities may be overshadowed by the facade of confidence we have to put up in our everyday lives now, but we all know who we are and we'll always be there for each other. life throws us curveballs everywhere we turn. but with these ladies, those curveballs can always be dodged. because we've got each other's back.

CLICK for more pictures.

screaming over who gets to sit in the front seat.

arguing over who has to ask for more tissue paper.

whacking each other after saying stupid things.

eating supper in McD's and making fun of ah-peng.

trying to throw rolled up wads of tissue down the V-neck of my blouse.

turning heads everytime we walk together since we talk so loudly and look so alike.

singing along with the radio at the top of our voices.

cruising along to KL city in the middle of the night just because we feel like it.

driving home with my sisters asleep in the car.

it feels good to be home.

i have no idea how sarah managed to log onto my blog. but oh well...welcome sarah! hahaha...

i so want to bathe right now, but due to the darndest reason, everytime i step out of my room all ready with my towel, there's someone in the toilet. i guess this is what happens when there's only ONE bathroom in the whole house. ready? set? GO!

i'm feeling itchy. and restless.

managed to defer my exam since i've been so sick. hallelujah. seriously. cannot have gone this way without God's hand in it.

been riding on the bus a lot lately. more than usual. can't imagine why. i find them strangely therapeutic. the ride to the hospital allows me to stone and just free my mind of everything that boggles it.

but.

riding the bus is like getting chosen for sports.

you know how there will always be like 2 or 3 main people in the group that stand out and always seem to get called up to be heads of teams and have to choose teammates from the rest of the group? well, it's like that.

if there's an empty seat next to me, i'll always wait in slight anticipation to see who will end up sitting next to me.

it's like, group leader 1 is hot, group leader 2 is not and group leader 3 is semi ok.

so...fat man enters bus

'don't sit next to me. don't sit next to me. don't sit next to me'

phew...

cute, youngish guy gets on.

'sit. sit. sit. come onnnnnnn'

darn it.

and this goes on until almost all seats are full.

then panic sets in.

oh no. i don't want someone smelly or weird.

enters bag lady.

uh oh.

just my luck.

'hello. you're a very pretty girl'
'urm..thank you.'
'you don't happen to have change for 2 dollars would you?'
'i do. do you need change?'
'oh no. i just thought i'd ask. you see..my dog's got to come on board at the next stop so i might need it then'

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay...

THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING.. HOW COME IM LOGGED IN TO YOUR BLOGGER ACCOUNT????????muahahahaha


Sarah

happy 89 years kong kong!

water restriction suddenly seems very real. we've been warned that we've been using a tad bit too much of Brisbane's currently depleting natural resource, so they've sent us stickers like these for us to stick around our house to remind us not to be too generous with our use.

quite cute aren't they?

we've stuck them up next to any water outlet in our house. in some places, more than once. like in the shower.

i cannot help but crack a smile whenever i'm shampooing my hair and my eyes just suddenly catch hold of the sticker on the wall. but i've been naughty. i don't really turn off the water when i'm shampooing. it just gets too cold! i step into the shower, all shivering and goosebumpy and i cannot begin to tell you how gloriously delicious it is to turn on the hot water tap and let the steam just rise up and encase me in a cloud of moist heat. it's horribly addictive. i can just stand there and totally forget what i got into the shower for. so...forgive me for not turning off the water while i'm shampooing. i'd like to feel warm for about 15 minutes everyday, thank you very much.

my voice is playing hide and seek with me pretty much everyday now. one minute, i'll have this husky, sexy voice that is audible and vocal and the next, i'm squeaky and whiny and completely inaudible. i have no idea how long this is going to last for. hopefully not long since exams are up in about 10 days. i'm so not prepared what with being sick for almost 3 weeks, i can hardly stand up during ward rounds without swaying and fearing i'm might pass out. and not to mention all the times i've been sent home from the hospital because i was too sick to do anything else. sigh...this is not going to go well for me. i can tell.

my cousin just called me and was asking to speak to me.

'hello? can i speak to grace, please?'
'eh..it's me la.'
'hello? is grace there? did i dial the wrong number?'
'oi. it's me la. don't try to be funny'
'hahahah...are you sure you're grace? when did u get a sex change?'

very funny.

trying to make bak kut teh soup now. hope it turns out alright.

edit

bak kut teh soup turned out really nice.

they should never have disbanded.

consultant 1: i had a case presented to me yesterday. it was a fall from grace.

consultant 2: *rolling eyes* and was she amazing?

consultant 1: oh yes. she was perfect.

consultant 2: *blink blink*

consultant 1: OH! amazing grace! yes, now i get it.

har de har har...

make fun of my name why don't you. and THEN chase me home from hospital. great.

this is how i feel right now. woke up this morning with a splitting headache all around my head. thought i'd stay home and get some cleaning and studying done. but i conveniently forgot that what has been getting me up and about these days have been painkillers by the elephant shotgun load. i don't think my liver's going to put up with it any longer. trying to abstain from taking them today. but i find myself looking more and more longingly at that bottle of panadol next to my bed. it has gotten so bad, that the pain has spread to my jaw, affecting my teeth. not only is there pounding in my head, there's also throbbing in my mouth, tenderness over my sinuses and pins and needles shooting into my eyes. looking directly into light makes me cringe and coughing makes me feel like someone's punching my head with a bag full of rocks. i've only got one eye open as i'm typing this, and opened very minimally i might add, which, isn't very much, considering that i've got very small eyes.

enough. i've had it. this has got to stop.

please ignore last night's post. after reading it through, i realise i'm sounding very selfish and immature.

i apologize.

there was something in the hospital the other day that really touched my heart. i have this patient who's suffering from dementia and had a stroke for the past 3 years. so she's paralysed and can't really move much. and there's only one person that looks after her. her husband.

let's call them Mr. and Mrs. F shall we?

my doctors and Mr. F were discussing Mrs. F's condition one day while she was sleeping and it was heartwrenching to see the pain and sorrow in Mr. F's face after he realised that she's never getting better and that it was only a matter of time before she would go. it was a difficult moment. Mr. F, i could tell, was torn between feeling sad and feeling relieved. i know i would, if i knew someone i loved was suffering and was about to go, i'd be sad but a tad bit relieved. sad, to know that in a short while, emptiness will all be what's left in my heart and relieved to know that pain and suffering no longer dominate what's left of that person.

while talking, Mrs. F wakes up. it was obvious, the confusion and slight terror in her eyes as she couldn't register where she was and why there were so many other people around her. she started to shake, but before she could utter a sound, Mr. F turned to her and says,

'there's my sweetheart! how's she feeling this morning? i've missed you.'

and then the terror was gone. all i could see and feel now was the love that these two people have for each other. no matter where they were or what was going on around them, it was all that mattered. she calmed down, but i could see that it wasn't going to be that simple for Mr. F to calm down. tears started rolling down his eyes as he came to realise that very soon, this would all be over. and with nothing to show for it.

i couldn't take it anymore. i pretended to cough and ran away. only to realise that i was crying too. it was all so unfair and uncalled for. yet, it was so beautiful at the same time. how does one find a love that strong, that they would stick with it, even through such illness? imagine the suffering Mr. F would have to go through. feeding her, bathing her, changing her, talking to her, putting her to sleep. she's back to being a helpless toddler, who's life revolves around who's going to feed and clean her. he doesn't have the stamina or the energy to do that, i'm quite sure, yet, he stuck through it.

another case i saw, was of this old asian lady, who had a stroke but got better, had kidney failure, but is undergoing dialysis and now, she's got pneumonia. there was one day, she was looking particularly sickly and my doctors were quite certain that she wouldn't last the night. sadly, she couldn't understand english and had to rely on her grandchildren to translate for her. when we told her grand daughter, that it wasn't going to be a good outcome, her grand daughter just stared at us. her aunt was by her elbow, pulling at her sleeve, asking what the white doctors were saying, tugging and tugging, asking and asking. but the grand daughter couldn't bear to say the words. i know why. if she repeated those words, then it would be real. she couldn't bring herself to translate. before she could pull herself together, she started to cry. and it just gripped my heart. i looked at the poor old woman and i thought to myself,

'why am i here?
is it just to tell people that their loved ones are dying?
that there's nothing we can do?
what if she were MY grandmother and they were telling me these things?'

i don't know if i'm strong enough for this.

but i know, whatever i'm going through now, doesn't begin to compare to what these people have to endure.

Lord, give me strength, give me courage, give me the will to go on.

i'm just not getting better. i really don't know why.

my phlegm initially was jade green.

after 2 days, it turned clear.

and then yesterday, it turned cream green.

i just don't get it.

i'm popping panadols and clarinases like anything and nothing seems to work.

and now, my sinuses hurt. and it's giving me a headache.

how to study like this?

read, read, cough, cough.

read, read, blow nose, blow nose,

read, read, choke, cough, choke, cough.

it's utterly irritating.

i've been coughing so much, whenever i swallow, i can feel the small tears and varices in my throat. and it hurts.

and i feel really bad because i think i might be distracting the girls when they're trying to study also.

sigh.

i hate this. my emotions are all over the page. i can feel happy one minute and really down the next. it's just playing havoc with my head. how does one keep their wits around them when they can't even control their own emotions? i can't seem to keep a level head anymore. damn stupid.

and now, i'm bitching and whinging again.

remember what i said about liking the cold? i take that back. i hate it. no matter how many layers i pile on, my hands and feet still remain cold. hot water bottles only last so long, and the heater can't be turned on that long since it sucks up the electricity like mad.

i shall try and perk up now. maybe i'm feeling down since i'm sick and it's that time of the month when i'm particularly moody.

i miss my family.

you know what i like to do?

this....

check out the amount of gunk that came off my nose. and that's not taking into account the rest of the gunk that i pressed out after that.

i like pinching out blackheads and whiteheads. i know i'm not supposed to. but i do it anyway. makes my face feel clean.

still sick. the sore throat came back. but the cough is less phlegmy. and i got to go to hospital today. hoorah...

trying to eat healthily, so i'm cutting back on the fatty and carbo-laden stuff. so...no more rice for me. save one or two meals a week.

looks like a lot of green right. hahaha...right. on the left, is grilled salmon with steamed vegetables. and on the right is grilled chicken salad.

so ang-moh-fied. sometimes i miss the char koay teow and the greasy roti canai and the asam laksa and the yong tau foo and the bak kut teh and the loh mai kai. sigh...i wanna go home.

i had a dream last night that one of my teeth fell out. it was super scary ok!! it was like i had these HUGE teeth and one of my canine teeth started moving. i dunno why. it just did. it was like moving away from the normal space and leaning behind. and when i touched it, it was movable! so i could adjust it back into place and move it around and such. and then suddenly when i was adjusting it, it came out in my hand!! it looked huge! seirously. like a 50cent coin. i was panicking and panicking and thinking, oh no!! now i got a hole in my mouth! what am i to do?? do i have to wear a fake tooth now?! eeyier....so ugly already!

yoh...i sound so bimbo in the dream. thank goodness i woke up and realised it was a dream. i shall now begin to wear my retainers religiously again. damn scared, damn scared.

oh...and i have officially become, a roller auntie. yes, you heard it right. a roller auntie. what is a roller auntie you must be wondering. well, i will tell you what a roller auntie is. but first, rollers...

now, i've got straightened hair right? which, out of the dumbest whims of my life, i went to do last december. i hate straight hair. like, seriously. i hate it. it's limp, it's lifeless, it's boring and it's really not nice to play with. the only upside about it is that it never gets messy. but i like messy, especially the 'i-just-got-out-of-bed' kind of messy. that makes it look kind of sexy. but straight hair does absolutely nothing of the sort. so, i decided to try and maybe put some body back into it. maybe it'll look like my normal hair again. the one where i can look messy in. like, sexy-messy. so, i went and bought hair rollers. i thought to myself, why not give it a shot? nothing to lose right?

right.

so rollers in my hair, and blow, blow, blow.

now, you know what i mean when say i've become a roller auntie.

and this was the outcome.

not too bad lerh...might continue being a roller auntie until my hair grows out and my natural hair takes over.