there's a heavy feeling in my heart,
for reasons i cannot discern,
it feels as if something's missing,
for who's hold i cannot grasp.

i know it's right there,
i can see it waiting,
i just have to stretch just that little bit,
fingers brushing, but never grasping.

it eludes me, evades me,
reach, just reach,
i'm coming closer,
i'm almost there.

every step i take,
takes me no further than where i've been,
one step forward, means another one back,
never progressing, never reaching

why is it so hard?
question remains unanswered.
for when the birds fly,
no one can tell.

fields of gold and amber,
burning up inside,
colours splaying, then dying,
never to last forever.

can this be true?

apparently i look very fierce and scary.

that's the opinion of people who have just met me and don't know me yet.

do i really look very fierce and scary?

why la?

is it my eyes?

i think it's my eyes.

curse you small and slitty eyes.

on another note...

i went to visit the two little girls in GC over the weekend. managed to get some shopping done as well. spent a night at their place. had pizza, booze and girly dvds. and of course, not to mention a steaming hot side dish of GOSSIP. no night would be complete without that. all the scandals and jaw-dropping, gasp-inducing, steamy, juicy pieces of gossip.

i need to start spicing up my life. maybe stick in a scandal or two. maybe three.

xue mei offered to pluck my eyebrows. hence positioning.
me, sook yi and xue mei
plus their new housemate, jo lynn.

yin yin....if you come to UQ, i'll drive u to visit them and stay over at their place every weekend or whenever you waaaaant. *dangling bait*

plus, they really want you to come over since your other friend grace is going to be coming as well. you guys could have a mini subang girls gang over here. benefits, benefits.

break is here. trying to figure out what to do. i feel lazy. maybe i'll just chill at home, rent some dvds, and just relax. before i have to start stressing out all over again. vicious cycle i tell you.

grandma's birthday is coming up this weekend. sigh..wish i were there. maybe i can persuade caleb to spring for tickets back home. i'm sure my arm twisting skills will come in handy. and maybe with a touch of blackmail. hmmm...

i just had the most absurd dream ever.

i'm here in rocky by the way, got in this morning on the plane with ying wei. sat next to this bloke who's a physical education teacher in blackwater who flew in to brisbane 24 hours prior for a game of paintball and a night out at the pub with some mates. he sported some massively impressive bruises on his arm and a porn magazine. pretended to sleep when he started flipping through it. so shy.

anyway..back to the dream.

i was taking a nap but not really sleeping...just kinda drifting in and out of consciousness and all of a sudden, i get these feeling in my ears like when you're about to land while on a plane, like something's sucking at you and pushing up back against your seat. so i was like...woah...what was that? and then it happened again. only this time, it was so real and so strong that it pulled me out from under my sheets and pinned me to the wall. my roommate was in the room, and i was yelling for her but my voice was kind of muffled and she couldn't hear me. i was literrally pinned upside down on the wall and yelling and crying. i told myself..this has GOT to be a dream and i tried like in the comic books, to pinch myself and i did but i didn't wake up. by this time, i KNEW it was a dream and i was just telling my brain to open my eyes. but when i finally forced them open, i was still in the dream and panicking. it took all my willpower to finally REALLY open my eyes and when i did, my heart was pounding, i was panting and it seriously felt as though it was real.

weird. and now i've got this horrible neck ache. tried to get justin to fix it but the physiotherapy was worse than the pain. he said i just needed to shut up, relax and let him do his thing. but i couldn't. it hurt too much. so i was going...

'ow..ow..Ow! OOW!!! JUSTIN! THAT HURTS!'

'SHUT UP AND RELAX GRACE.'

justin's a physiotherapist studying to be a doctor by the way. so he worked his voodoo on me and it did get better. for like an hour. but now it's back and it's worse. now...do i subject myself to torture again, or just suck it up?

i'm already planning what to do next week during the break. i think i might just go to the Gold Coast. haven't been there in a while. might just pop over to see how things are with the two little girls there. thinking about heading over to byron bay to pay bryan a visit as well. probably drag soo yi along. he says it's really nice down there and i'm dying to see it. not to mention, it's about time to air out those bikinis that are rotting in the back of my wardrobe.

now..i just need to get back into shape. where are those abs? i can't find them in these folds of skin on my tummy. sigh...

i have to be the world's laziest procrastinator ever. not to mention the most unrepentant.

with a whopping, whale-sized, wonderment of a headache.

it hurts when i move.

it's back to rockhampton tomorrow for debriefing week and exams.

exams.

there's that word again.

exams.

stop it.

exams.

i said enough.

EXAMS.

SHUT UP BRAIN!!

need to study...

only 10 more weeks before i'm back home in malaysia again. the feeling is indescribable. back home for 2 whole months. bliss. i foresee weight gain. but bliss.

grandma's birthday is in a couple of weeks. sad that caleb and i being her 2 oldest grandchildren won't be there. i think we might end up sending a video. which i know, without derlyn's expertise will kinda suck.

speaking of caleb, i'm now bumping into him in the oddest places. it's like we subconsciously know that we're not meeting up enough and just seem to collide fatefully intentionlessly.

friends are good. make sure you have friends. especially friends who spend drinks. and who play stupid games with you. and friends that make you end up with carpet burns. ouch.

i'm tired. my eyes hurt.

need to study...

i realise that my posts are getting very random and very..what's that word again? curt? straightforward? mind's not functioning to form long, mind-boggling sentences that make people go 'hmmm....'

lazy lah...

you know what's the best thing about being back in brisbane?

the sun

and

the sun

and

being able to wear shorts

and

cleaningmyhouseinmybikiniandnotgetanyweirdstaresfrompeoplepassingby.

oh, it is good to be home.

on another note. i think i'll share with some people how nice blackall is. particularly because i met someone and had a bit of fun while i was there.

the soar above the clouds and head spinning kind of fun. he took me to heights i've never been to or have ever experienced first hand in my life.

yes.

i

met

a

pilot

whowasveryinterestingandniceandaccomplishedandhetookforaspininhisplaneonmylastday.

i think i'll stop there for now.

oh...

and my slippers broke. =(

while i was walking in the city and about to meet up with some friends. i could never understand why the aussies love walking around barefoot. it's disgustingly gross since i don't know what i'm stepping on or permitting myself to be exposed to numerous bacteria and germs that lay dormant on the tar and concrete. but i had to do that last night. for a good 800 meters. yuck.

did i mention it was good to be home?

it's good to be home.

it is now that time.

i'm back and happy to be back, in the land of the internet, the land of the cars, the land of the city, the land of the big roads and in the land of fast food. thank GOD for fast food. so fattening, but oh-so-good.

it has been a long almost 2 months and i've missed this.

but i'm back and i'm grateful.

went to watch switchfoot play the night i got back. so gung-ho, was on an adrenaline high to do everything that i was deprived of when i was away. shopping la, eating la, watching tv la, going for concert la, city-combing la. felt goooooooooooood to air my legs. especially since now i can wear shorts and skirts and let my legs breathe. gosh, they're so pale. they need tanning.

exams are really around the corner now and it's crunchtime. study, study, study.

and no. don't expect me to write about what went on during my rural posting. i'm not allowed to. my blog has been found out. and i don't intend on letting it's existence and it's previous contents to marr my assessment.

but i will let you guys know this: i almost got molested by one of the patients and he tried to follow me back to my room. but that...is another story.