I've always been one to follow my instincts. When I was younger, it was more of a 'I think it is' sort of feeling but it always came hand in hand with it's very clingy sibling 'but I don't dare to follow through'. And because of that, I've always had to rely on other people to help point it out and give me the courage to follow through. As my age crept along, so did my courage. Not exponentially, but at a rapid enough rate I would say, and I learnt to rely more and more on myself to trust my instincts.

That being said, how do i make someone else believe that my instincts are what have brought me through all the rough patches in my life? They might argue that I am not seeing both sides of the coin. That I'm so instinctively guided by what I feel that I am blinded to other possibilities and opportunities. That I'm being impulsive and compulsive all at once. But would I rather rationalize and agonize over a decision that I already know deep down i've already made? In my head, I would rather save my time and effort into executing my instincts instead of constantly questioning it. Because, be honest, we all know that our first gut feel is usually the correct one.

I cannot explain or force my instincts upon others, but I can only wish for them to respect it.

I never go into details. And I won't begin now. So please, don't expect me to change my mind because in your head, you think i am wrong.

how cliched is it when we watch movies and the hero/heroine goes through a conflict of sorts where the heart and the mind don't agree. externally we scoff and sneer saying how hard is it to make a decision and then stick by it. and then we're treated to a montage of the passage of time for the said hero/heroine and watch as they go through their life living out their decision with the occasional twinge of longing and regret but then pushing through and ultimately, through a clever twist of fate - or should i say plot - the hero/heroine eventually gets what he/she actually wanted in the first place.

the conflict of the mind and heart is one that i've never been able to conquer. my mind will always be the rational one that knows all the right things to do and how to go about it. it will win out and i would follow it's rules diligently for a good few days, but, like the said hero/heroine, i'll have the twinge of longing and regret which will ultimately lead to my regression and fallback to what my heart wants. even though i know it's not the right decision.

i find it very hard to stick with the decisions i've made - or at least, the decisions my mind has made. there will always be this little nagging part that goes 'what if' and then i'll start wondering about whether i should have gone down the other path instead. and here comes the tug of war. i'll be one foot in each doorway and never heading anywhere. the battle in my head has been getting worse of late. as i'm nearing the age where many of my friends are either settled in life, or are beginning to settle. not the bad kind of settle, but the good kind. the kind where they know where their life is headed from this moment on and all they've got to do now, is put the plough to the soil and just plod on.

but that being said. do i just want to plod on? don't i want to run and skip and hop and jump through my life? don't i want to always wonder and question and constantly look out for new things to see and do and live through? if i make concrete decisions to settle and move on in life living it as 'my mind sees fit' then won't i get to live like how my heart wants to live? with unbridled passion and zest?

there has got to be a way. even if it's unconventional and not exactly the way society conforms to. i've never lived life the way i was supposed to. and maybe that's the way it should be. 

and here i go again.