i am me

when i was a little girl, the sound of an ambulance siren would make my heart race and i would instantly crane my neck and excitedly look around to see that telltale white van with the red and blue lights flashing overhead. it would pique my curiosity no end. were they rushing to or from an emergency? was there an accident somewhere? is the patient already inside, fighting for his life? did anyone die?

these questions never really bothered me much back then. it was all part of game. something exciting to break the monotony of everyday life. a glamourous thing that was so much more interesting than my own life. it would hold my interest for 5, maybe 10 minutes, wondering if they managed to get to the hospital on time. scenes from medical tv shows would flash across my mind, piecing together a story that was entirely made up in my head and it would then be forgotten. never knowing the outcome, didn't really bother me. i guess i somehow knew that it wouldn't affect me, so why bother?

now, everytime i hear the wail of an ambulance siren, my heart still races. but for a different reason.

the fear of a person's life is now very real. everyday, the reality of hospital life sinks in deeper, cementing itself into my very soul. people DO die. and it does matter or not whether they make it. lives are affected, even if it's not the excited little girl's life back then. the tragedy of losing someone dear is much too tangible to be counted as a fleeting and expected part of life. the loss of a child before it's even born, the passing of an elderly woman while undergoing a procedure to help extend her life, the devastation of bad news when it's conveyed. all brings to mind that we never really understand what's going on around us or how God deals your hand.

the sound of a siren just broke the morning silence. from the way the tires are skidding on the slippery road tells me that it's pretty serious. not 2 minutes has passed and there's a code blue announcement. a child has stopped breathing in the emergency department.

i can still feel my heart racing.