i am me

i have this bad sneaky habit of doubting happiness. i always think that if something really good happens, something really bad is on it's way and the good bit just acts as a buffer.

take a couple of weeks back. i can't really remember them now. but three really great things happened to me, back to back. and one night when i was out 'celebrating' with a friend, i had this sneaky, suspicious feeling that the end of it, wasn't going to be good.

things were all good until last week. and i literally mean the WHOLE week was quite misfortuitous. and it kept coming at me like a sledgehammer breaking up concrete. every morning i would pray, "God please take control of the day" and maybe it's His way of teaching me and disciplining me, but nothing went right for me throughout the week.

i was in quite the doldrums, to say the least.

that night, when i was out celebrating over dinner, and i told my friend about this premonition i had, she cut me short and said, "stop it grace. don't do that. don't feel that you have to be guilty over being happy" and it made me think. do any of us REALLY feel grateful that we're happy? because, isn't it when we're suffering that we truly appreciate what's good around us? and isn't it when we're unhappy that we tend to long for those ever elusive happy times? and isn't it when we're completely down on ourselves and in that little black hole that is our mind, that we really start to cry out to Him and rely on Him?

i don't know. maybe.

i'm crying out.