I NEED TO STOP EATING!


the last week has been a complete binge-eating week! it was nonstop stuffing my face.


and today, for breakfast, you know what i had? butter on toast! well, not only that lah..had salami and cheese and lettuce and tomatoes also lah. but the bottom line is, there was butter! i don't even remember the last time i had BUTTER ON TOAST! i don't think i've had proper spreadable butter on toast since i got here!


i'm getting decadent! gosh...


someone! please! stop this madness!!


i tell you. food. this past week. food. omgosh. it was everywhere. sizzlers lah, dim sum lah, cybercity lah, sunnybank oriental lah. i tell you. i've resorted to wearing loose fitting clothes again. NOW! of ALL TIMEs! NOW! when the weather is BLISTERING! it's supposed to be time to shape up for bikini season grace. SHAPE UP!

gjrnavnaekraerjgoaegnaelkngmaelkgalkgalkfalsjkfalksjfalskmgalsk

frustration.


the boys that are responsible for my eating out so much this past week. grrr...
and the drink i'm sipping is called 'spider coke'. try and guess what it is.

it was AHMA'S 80th birthday on saturday evening. and my family threw her a huge birthday do. should have gone home for it. i WAS on break anyway. stupid caleb didn't get fired from his job and threw the whole idea in the can. sigh. i wish i had been there. it looked like it was such great fun. would have been a good excuse to go home.

sisters and girl cousins sang a song for her too. won't post that up since one of my sisters went off. hahaha...poor girl. the dress must have been a tad bit too tight for her.

surgery's started. and i'm quite enjoying i think. especially now where it's all orthopaedics. i think i just might be an orthopod at heart. i like learning about muscles, bones and joints. not to mention that it doesn't really need much brain power. and we all know how much i love to slacken my mind and just let it wander. be it in a good or bad way. *wink*

how does a girl turn down a guy nicely? like. say a nice guy asks her out. they're friends. and they've been out before for a polite-get-to-know-you dinner. but after the dinner, the girl is certain that nothing can go on and the guy should purely be kept at arm's length as a friend. but on the other hand, she really enjoyed his company and he's a really fun guy. night ends well. both parties are glad they went out. but both have different views on the outcome. the guy, from what i know, seems mighty interested and has actually asked the girl out again. for a romantic dinner with 'nice candles' etc. he tried to inject humourous flirtations at intervals when he's asking her out but he seems to be trying a bit too hard now since he's interested in the girl and is a bit more self-conscious.

what does the girl do? she's tried asking him to invite other people along, but has hit a snag. she realises that they're from two COMPLETELY different worlds and they have no mutual friends, only acquaintances, save 2 good friends, one of who, set them up in the first place.

what to do? what to do? how does a girl turn down a guy nicely?

my inner procrastinator is waking up.

in 2 months, i'll be back home. time's going to fly. and just when i'm starting to have fun. how ironic isn't it? and we all know what it means when it's time to go home. it's time to go shopping for souvenirs for my sisters! and there's only one thing they want, desire, accept, demand, covet. clothes. that also means, i get to go clothes shopping TOO!! hey...when in rome...

the full monty has OFFICIALLY become my favourite show. if you haven't seen it, then i recommend it. HIGHLY recommend it. had me laughing so hard, i was rolling on the floor, slapping the ground, clutching my tummy, with tears streaming down my face, mouth wide open in laughter. it was a potentially damaging period for my image, but it was well worth it. *grin* if you guys want to know. it's the story of 6 down and out men during the recession trying to find a way to make some money and gain some credibility. they each have their own story as to why they decided to do what they do. ie. to save their marriage, to prove to themselves that they're worth something, to try and save their time with their kids, etc. trust me, it's worth a watch.

did i mention that it's little girl xue mei's birthday today? she's FINALLY turning 18. will be going down to the Gold Coast this weekend to celebrate her birthday with her. not to mention initiate her into the world of womanhood. it's about time. der yin. think about it. this time next year or the year after next, you'll be here celebrating with her too! *dangling bait* i'm sure she'd love you being here with her.

listening to the soundtrack of 'GREASE' right now. unlike the full monty, it's MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE show. means it trumps the full monty. especially since it has songs in it which i love to sing along to.

'grease lightning, go grease lightning'

*points finger and moves it in an arc in front of the mirror*

'summer lovin' had me a blast, summer lovin' happened so fast'

*snaps fingers and swishes imaginary big skirts*

according to the late, great Nat King Cole,

love, is a many splendoured thing.
it's the april rose that only grows in the early spring.
love is nature's way of giving, a reason to be living,
the golden crown that make a man a king.
once, on a high and windy hill,
in the morning mist,
two lovers kissed and the world stood still.
then your fingers touched my silent heart
and taught it how to sing.
yes, true love's a many splendoured thing.

why don't i have that?
i want time to stand still when i kiss
i want to touch someone's silent heart and teach it to sing
i want to make my man a king.

but wait.

i don't have a man. gee...*bucket of cold water*

wow. this is the randomest post ever.

there's a heavy feeling in my heart,
for reasons i cannot discern,
it feels as if something's missing,
for who's hold i cannot grasp.

i know it's right there,
i can see it waiting,
i just have to stretch just that little bit,
fingers brushing, but never grasping.

it eludes me, evades me,
reach, just reach,
i'm coming closer,
i'm almost there.

every step i take,
takes me no further than where i've been,
one step forward, means another one back,
never progressing, never reaching

why is it so hard?
question remains unanswered.
for when the birds fly,
no one can tell.

fields of gold and amber,
burning up inside,
colours splaying, then dying,
never to last forever.

can this be true?

apparently i look very fierce and scary.

that's the opinion of people who have just met me and don't know me yet.

do i really look very fierce and scary?

why la?

is it my eyes?

i think it's my eyes.

curse you small and slitty eyes.

on another note...

i went to visit the two little girls in GC over the weekend. managed to get some shopping done as well. spent a night at their place. had pizza, booze and girly dvds. and of course, not to mention a steaming hot side dish of GOSSIP. no night would be complete without that. all the scandals and jaw-dropping, gasp-inducing, steamy, juicy pieces of gossip.

i need to start spicing up my life. maybe stick in a scandal or two. maybe three.

xue mei offered to pluck my eyebrows. hence positioning.
me, sook yi and xue mei
plus their new housemate, jo lynn.

yin yin....if you come to UQ, i'll drive u to visit them and stay over at their place every weekend or whenever you waaaaant. *dangling bait*

plus, they really want you to come over since your other friend grace is going to be coming as well. you guys could have a mini subang girls gang over here. benefits, benefits.

break is here. trying to figure out what to do. i feel lazy. maybe i'll just chill at home, rent some dvds, and just relax. before i have to start stressing out all over again. vicious cycle i tell you.

grandma's birthday is coming up this weekend. sigh..wish i were there. maybe i can persuade caleb to spring for tickets back home. i'm sure my arm twisting skills will come in handy. and maybe with a touch of blackmail. hmmm...

i just had the most absurd dream ever.

i'm here in rocky by the way, got in this morning on the plane with ying wei. sat next to this bloke who's a physical education teacher in blackwater who flew in to brisbane 24 hours prior for a game of paintball and a night out at the pub with some mates. he sported some massively impressive bruises on his arm and a porn magazine. pretended to sleep when he started flipping through it. so shy.

anyway..back to the dream.

i was taking a nap but not really sleeping...just kinda drifting in and out of consciousness and all of a sudden, i get these feeling in my ears like when you're about to land while on a plane, like something's sucking at you and pushing up back against your seat. so i was like...woah...what was that? and then it happened again. only this time, it was so real and so strong that it pulled me out from under my sheets and pinned me to the wall. my roommate was in the room, and i was yelling for her but my voice was kind of muffled and she couldn't hear me. i was literrally pinned upside down on the wall and yelling and crying. i told myself..this has GOT to be a dream and i tried like in the comic books, to pinch myself and i did but i didn't wake up. by this time, i KNEW it was a dream and i was just telling my brain to open my eyes. but when i finally forced them open, i was still in the dream and panicking. it took all my willpower to finally REALLY open my eyes and when i did, my heart was pounding, i was panting and it seriously felt as though it was real.

weird. and now i've got this horrible neck ache. tried to get justin to fix it but the physiotherapy was worse than the pain. he said i just needed to shut up, relax and let him do his thing. but i couldn't. it hurt too much. so i was going...

'ow..ow..Ow! OOW!!! JUSTIN! THAT HURTS!'

'SHUT UP AND RELAX GRACE.'

justin's a physiotherapist studying to be a doctor by the way. so he worked his voodoo on me and it did get better. for like an hour. but now it's back and it's worse. now...do i subject myself to torture again, or just suck it up?

i'm already planning what to do next week during the break. i think i might just go to the Gold Coast. haven't been there in a while. might just pop over to see how things are with the two little girls there. thinking about heading over to byron bay to pay bryan a visit as well. probably drag soo yi along. he says it's really nice down there and i'm dying to see it. not to mention, it's about time to air out those bikinis that are rotting in the back of my wardrobe.

now..i just need to get back into shape. where are those abs? i can't find them in these folds of skin on my tummy. sigh...

i have to be the world's laziest procrastinator ever. not to mention the most unrepentant.

with a whopping, whale-sized, wonderment of a headache.

it hurts when i move.

it's back to rockhampton tomorrow for debriefing week and exams.

exams.

there's that word again.

exams.

stop it.

exams.

i said enough.

EXAMS.

SHUT UP BRAIN!!

need to study...

only 10 more weeks before i'm back home in malaysia again. the feeling is indescribable. back home for 2 whole months. bliss. i foresee weight gain. but bliss.

grandma's birthday is in a couple of weeks. sad that caleb and i being her 2 oldest grandchildren won't be there. i think we might end up sending a video. which i know, without derlyn's expertise will kinda suck.

speaking of caleb, i'm now bumping into him in the oddest places. it's like we subconsciously know that we're not meeting up enough and just seem to collide fatefully intentionlessly.

friends are good. make sure you have friends. especially friends who spend drinks. and who play stupid games with you. and friends that make you end up with carpet burns. ouch.

i'm tired. my eyes hurt.

need to study...

i realise that my posts are getting very random and very..what's that word again? curt? straightforward? mind's not functioning to form long, mind-boggling sentences that make people go 'hmmm....'

lazy lah...

you know what's the best thing about being back in brisbane?

the sun

and

the sun

and

being able to wear shorts

and

cleaningmyhouseinmybikiniandnotgetanyweirdstaresfrompeoplepassingby.

oh, it is good to be home.

on another note. i think i'll share with some people how nice blackall is. particularly because i met someone and had a bit of fun while i was there.

the soar above the clouds and head spinning kind of fun. he took me to heights i've never been to or have ever experienced first hand in my life.

yes.

i

met

a

pilot

whowasveryinterestingandniceandaccomplishedandhetookforaspininhisplaneonmylastday.

i think i'll stop there for now.

oh...

and my slippers broke. =(

while i was walking in the city and about to meet up with some friends. i could never understand why the aussies love walking around barefoot. it's disgustingly gross since i don't know what i'm stepping on or permitting myself to be exposed to numerous bacteria and germs that lay dormant on the tar and concrete. but i had to do that last night. for a good 800 meters. yuck.

did i mention it was good to be home?

it's good to be home.

it is now that time.

i'm back and happy to be back, in the land of the internet, the land of the cars, the land of the city, the land of the big roads and in the land of fast food. thank GOD for fast food. so fattening, but oh-so-good.

it has been a long almost 2 months and i've missed this.

but i'm back and i'm grateful.

went to watch switchfoot play the night i got back. so gung-ho, was on an adrenaline high to do everything that i was deprived of when i was away. shopping la, eating la, watching tv la, going for concert la, city-combing la. felt goooooooooooood to air my legs. especially since now i can wear shorts and skirts and let my legs breathe. gosh, they're so pale. they need tanning.

exams are really around the corner now and it's crunchtime. study, study, study.

and no. don't expect me to write about what went on during my rural posting. i'm not allowed to. my blog has been found out. and i don't intend on letting it's existence and it's previous contents to marr my assessment.

but i will let you guys know this: i almost got molested by one of the patients and he tried to follow me back to my room. but that...is another story.

Dear Lord,

I'm on my knees and i'm asking for Your strength right now.

help me get through the next 6 weeks while i'm in Blackall.

give me a spirit of acceptance and the right attitude to accept what i cannot change.

I'm scared Lord. I'm scared of being alone there and being unsure of what is to come.

i have no idea what to expect and i'm afraid that i won't be able to cope when i'm there alone and a curveball comes my way.

teach me Lord to turn to You in these times of need, help me Lord to trust that You are in control and that You have my best interests at heart.

hold my hand along this journey Lord. and if need be, please carry me Lord.

UQ has agreed to pay up to 250AUD for my transport to blackall.

there are only 2 ways to get there.

1. i catch a flight from rockhampton to brisbane, then from brisbane, i take a bus to blackall
amount: flight+train+bus (75+10+109) = 194
time needed: about 20 hours altogether.

2. i catch a bus from rockhampton to barcaldine, switch buses and take another bus from barcaldine to blackall.
amount: didn't bother to check since i found out that once i reach barcaldine, i'd be just in time to miss the bus by 10 minutes.

i don't know what to do anymore. it's just starting to get very overwhelming.

sigh...

looks like it's gonna be the 20 hour journey..

EDIT

sitting next to me right now in the student center in rockhampton is a very lovely chap who's tall, cute and really fun. not to mention helpful. why? because he just found me a way to get to blackall for only 60 dollars. mind you, it'll still take me almost 20 hours to get there, but hey, it's so much cheaper. i'd be taking a train from here, rockhampton, to this small town called barcaldine, which takes about 11 hours. there, i'd have to stopover for about 6 hours where i'll board a bus that will take an hour or so to get me to MY little small town of blackall.

so there...i think i owe him a nice dinner or something...but he doesn't want it. so sweet.

in less than 10 hours, i'll be heading back to the land down under. i must be honest in saying that i'm not looking forward to it at all. it seems harder this time round. when i left here earlier this year, i was full of anticipation and expectations over how life is gonna be when i'm there. and needless to say, i've been sorely disappointed. but that's all part of life isn't it? disappointment and sorrow.

the past 2 weeks have been a time of relaxation, a time of reflection, a time of decision and a time of bonding (that's code for bickering, arguing and getting irritated with each other. just like old times).

my family means the world to me.

my mother constantly fussed over me the first few days since i was still slightly sick. she went and bought chinese medicine since apparently the western one didn't work. as much as it sucked, i know she did it because she loved me enough to force-feed it to me. literally looking over my shoulder everytime i had to take it. and if i didn't, she'd take the spoon in hand and feed it to me herself. she went and bought all sorts of chinese medication for me to bring back because she KNOWS that i won't do it myself. she would remind me everyday to be strong and to be mentally prepared for life there. in other words, not to be a wuss. of course there were times when i wanted to strangle her. like the time when she would call me from school just to ask me what i'm doing. there was one day she called me 11 times. in the span of 3 hours. that has GOT to be some sort of record. and as much as it annoyed me at that time, i know i'm going to miss it when i'm all the way across the sea.

my daddy has been a brick. not being a stick in the mud at all. it was so funny how i managed to surprise him when i came home. his eyes damn near popped out of his head. they never looked so big in my life. then came the scolding for not telling him to come pick me up and not informing that i was coming home early. and he'd gone back to protective daddy mode when i would be out late at night and he would call and ask where i was and how come i wasn't home yet. UNTIL he realised that i'm now quite grown up and that he had called me at 10pm. he even forgot my birthday. i guess he was wondering why all of sudden i cooked dinner and was happily tucking into the food when my sisters asked me what i was going to do and he was like...do for what? all eyes turned to him in incredulity over his forgetfulness. but i don't blame him. he's already got so much on his mind trying to make ends meet for his family. so i don't care if he forgets my birthday. just because he loves me so much to want to give me the best that i can have.

esther has been a darling. what with spending time in the car aimlessly driving to KL in the middle of the night just because we felt like it, to having heavy, heavy breakfasts and making lame jokes that make us laugh til no sound comes out. she wrote a post on her blog today which made me cry. lyn if you're reading this, it's with a heavy heart that i'm leaving as well. but i guess it can't be helped. i won't hug you 'cause i know we'll both start bawling like banshees and have puffy, slit eyes tomorrow.

sara as usual has been the diva. but it wouldn't be her if she wasn't. taking her to driving tests and picking her up has been interesting. especially since she failed twice but managed to pass the third time round. third time's a charm as we all know. seeing her starting to dress more grown up like and wearing more makeup than i am and talking like she thinks she knows what's going on has made me feel like i'm missing a huge chunk of her life. she's not the little girl anymore that we use to complain about getting her way after throwing tantrums. in her place, there's this young lady that STILL throws tantrums, but in a different way. i'm not sure WHAT way...but she still manages to do it.

gosh...this sounds like a eulogy. I'M NOT DYING!! but why does it feel like a part of me is?



i'm just cruisin' with my sisters,
we're gonna have some supper,
we're on our way to maccas,
and we're gonna call ah-peng-er,
i'm just cruisin' with my sisters...

as you know...we will always be spastics whatever our age.

choon the gorgeous and me.

yvonne...you know you will always be my first true love...

there...you see...

these are the queens of spaznesssss...

all the ladies....

went out with the girls last night to have a small birthday gathering.

it's so good to see them all again. it seemed only yesterday we were all in school and studying for our SPM exams. now, most of them have careers that are taking off and lives of their own to carry on. makes me feel nostalgic. but even though we've all moved on and built lives our own, i know that somewhere, somehow, we will always be the same girls that used to go to school together. our insecurities may be overshadowed by the facade of confidence we have to put up in our everyday lives now, but we all know who we are and we'll always be there for each other. life throws us curveballs everywhere we turn. but with these ladies, those curveballs can always be dodged. because we've got each other's back.

CLICK for more pictures.

screaming over who gets to sit in the front seat.

arguing over who has to ask for more tissue paper.

whacking each other after saying stupid things.

eating supper in McD's and making fun of ah-peng.

trying to throw rolled up wads of tissue down the V-neck of my blouse.

turning heads everytime we walk together since we talk so loudly and look so alike.

singing along with the radio at the top of our voices.

cruising along to KL city in the middle of the night just because we feel like it.

driving home with my sisters asleep in the car.

it feels good to be home.

i have no idea how sarah managed to log onto my blog. but oh well...welcome sarah! hahaha...

i so want to bathe right now, but due to the darndest reason, everytime i step out of my room all ready with my towel, there's someone in the toilet. i guess this is what happens when there's only ONE bathroom in the whole house. ready? set? GO!

i'm feeling itchy. and restless.

managed to defer my exam since i've been so sick. hallelujah. seriously. cannot have gone this way without God's hand in it.

been riding on the bus a lot lately. more than usual. can't imagine why. i find them strangely therapeutic. the ride to the hospital allows me to stone and just free my mind of everything that boggles it.

but.

riding the bus is like getting chosen for sports.

you know how there will always be like 2 or 3 main people in the group that stand out and always seem to get called up to be heads of teams and have to choose teammates from the rest of the group? well, it's like that.

if there's an empty seat next to me, i'll always wait in slight anticipation to see who will end up sitting next to me.

it's like, group leader 1 is hot, group leader 2 is not and group leader 3 is semi ok.

so...fat man enters bus

'don't sit next to me. don't sit next to me. don't sit next to me'

phew...

cute, youngish guy gets on.

'sit. sit. sit. come onnnnnnn'

darn it.

and this goes on until almost all seats are full.

then panic sets in.

oh no. i don't want someone smelly or weird.

enters bag lady.

uh oh.

just my luck.

'hello. you're a very pretty girl'
'urm..thank you.'
'you don't happen to have change for 2 dollars would you?'
'i do. do you need change?'
'oh no. i just thought i'd ask. you see..my dog's got to come on board at the next stop so i might need it then'

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay...

THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING.. HOW COME IM LOGGED IN TO YOUR BLOGGER ACCOUNT????????muahahahaha


Sarah

happy 89 years kong kong!

water restriction suddenly seems very real. we've been warned that we've been using a tad bit too much of Brisbane's currently depleting natural resource, so they've sent us stickers like these for us to stick around our house to remind us not to be too generous with our use.

quite cute aren't they?

we've stuck them up next to any water outlet in our house. in some places, more than once. like in the shower.

i cannot help but crack a smile whenever i'm shampooing my hair and my eyes just suddenly catch hold of the sticker on the wall. but i've been naughty. i don't really turn off the water when i'm shampooing. it just gets too cold! i step into the shower, all shivering and goosebumpy and i cannot begin to tell you how gloriously delicious it is to turn on the hot water tap and let the steam just rise up and encase me in a cloud of moist heat. it's horribly addictive. i can just stand there and totally forget what i got into the shower for. so...forgive me for not turning off the water while i'm shampooing. i'd like to feel warm for about 15 minutes everyday, thank you very much.

my voice is playing hide and seek with me pretty much everyday now. one minute, i'll have this husky, sexy voice that is audible and vocal and the next, i'm squeaky and whiny and completely inaudible. i have no idea how long this is going to last for. hopefully not long since exams are up in about 10 days. i'm so not prepared what with being sick for almost 3 weeks, i can hardly stand up during ward rounds without swaying and fearing i'm might pass out. and not to mention all the times i've been sent home from the hospital because i was too sick to do anything else. sigh...this is not going to go well for me. i can tell.

my cousin just called me and was asking to speak to me.

'hello? can i speak to grace, please?'
'eh..it's me la.'
'hello? is grace there? did i dial the wrong number?'
'oi. it's me la. don't try to be funny'
'hahahah...are you sure you're grace? when did u get a sex change?'

very funny.

trying to make bak kut teh soup now. hope it turns out alright.

edit

bak kut teh soup turned out really nice.

they should never have disbanded.

consultant 1: i had a case presented to me yesterday. it was a fall from grace.

consultant 2: *rolling eyes* and was she amazing?

consultant 1: oh yes. she was perfect.

consultant 2: *blink blink*

consultant 1: OH! amazing grace! yes, now i get it.

har de har har...

make fun of my name why don't you. and THEN chase me home from hospital. great.

this is how i feel right now. woke up this morning with a splitting headache all around my head. thought i'd stay home and get some cleaning and studying done. but i conveniently forgot that what has been getting me up and about these days have been painkillers by the elephant shotgun load. i don't think my liver's going to put up with it any longer. trying to abstain from taking them today. but i find myself looking more and more longingly at that bottle of panadol next to my bed. it has gotten so bad, that the pain has spread to my jaw, affecting my teeth. not only is there pounding in my head, there's also throbbing in my mouth, tenderness over my sinuses and pins and needles shooting into my eyes. looking directly into light makes me cringe and coughing makes me feel like someone's punching my head with a bag full of rocks. i've only got one eye open as i'm typing this, and opened very minimally i might add, which, isn't very much, considering that i've got very small eyes.

enough. i've had it. this has got to stop.

please ignore last night's post. after reading it through, i realise i'm sounding very selfish and immature.

i apologize.

there was something in the hospital the other day that really touched my heart. i have this patient who's suffering from dementia and had a stroke for the past 3 years. so she's paralysed and can't really move much. and there's only one person that looks after her. her husband.

let's call them Mr. and Mrs. F shall we?

my doctors and Mr. F were discussing Mrs. F's condition one day while she was sleeping and it was heartwrenching to see the pain and sorrow in Mr. F's face after he realised that she's never getting better and that it was only a matter of time before she would go. it was a difficult moment. Mr. F, i could tell, was torn between feeling sad and feeling relieved. i know i would, if i knew someone i loved was suffering and was about to go, i'd be sad but a tad bit relieved. sad, to know that in a short while, emptiness will all be what's left in my heart and relieved to know that pain and suffering no longer dominate what's left of that person.

while talking, Mrs. F wakes up. it was obvious, the confusion and slight terror in her eyes as she couldn't register where she was and why there were so many other people around her. she started to shake, but before she could utter a sound, Mr. F turned to her and says,

'there's my sweetheart! how's she feeling this morning? i've missed you.'

and then the terror was gone. all i could see and feel now was the love that these two people have for each other. no matter where they were or what was going on around them, it was all that mattered. she calmed down, but i could see that it wasn't going to be that simple for Mr. F to calm down. tears started rolling down his eyes as he came to realise that very soon, this would all be over. and with nothing to show for it.

i couldn't take it anymore. i pretended to cough and ran away. only to realise that i was crying too. it was all so unfair and uncalled for. yet, it was so beautiful at the same time. how does one find a love that strong, that they would stick with it, even through such illness? imagine the suffering Mr. F would have to go through. feeding her, bathing her, changing her, talking to her, putting her to sleep. she's back to being a helpless toddler, who's life revolves around who's going to feed and clean her. he doesn't have the stamina or the energy to do that, i'm quite sure, yet, he stuck through it.

another case i saw, was of this old asian lady, who had a stroke but got better, had kidney failure, but is undergoing dialysis and now, she's got pneumonia. there was one day, she was looking particularly sickly and my doctors were quite certain that she wouldn't last the night. sadly, she couldn't understand english and had to rely on her grandchildren to translate for her. when we told her grand daughter, that it wasn't going to be a good outcome, her grand daughter just stared at us. her aunt was by her elbow, pulling at her sleeve, asking what the white doctors were saying, tugging and tugging, asking and asking. but the grand daughter couldn't bear to say the words. i know why. if she repeated those words, then it would be real. she couldn't bring herself to translate. before she could pull herself together, she started to cry. and it just gripped my heart. i looked at the poor old woman and i thought to myself,

'why am i here?
is it just to tell people that their loved ones are dying?
that there's nothing we can do?
what if she were MY grandmother and they were telling me these things?'

i don't know if i'm strong enough for this.

but i know, whatever i'm going through now, doesn't begin to compare to what these people have to endure.

Lord, give me strength, give me courage, give me the will to go on.

i'm just not getting better. i really don't know why.

my phlegm initially was jade green.

after 2 days, it turned clear.

and then yesterday, it turned cream green.

i just don't get it.

i'm popping panadols and clarinases like anything and nothing seems to work.

and now, my sinuses hurt. and it's giving me a headache.

how to study like this?

read, read, cough, cough.

read, read, blow nose, blow nose,

read, read, choke, cough, choke, cough.

it's utterly irritating.

i've been coughing so much, whenever i swallow, i can feel the small tears and varices in my throat. and it hurts.

and i feel really bad because i think i might be distracting the girls when they're trying to study also.

sigh.

i hate this. my emotions are all over the page. i can feel happy one minute and really down the next. it's just playing havoc with my head. how does one keep their wits around them when they can't even control their own emotions? i can't seem to keep a level head anymore. damn stupid.

and now, i'm bitching and whinging again.

remember what i said about liking the cold? i take that back. i hate it. no matter how many layers i pile on, my hands and feet still remain cold. hot water bottles only last so long, and the heater can't be turned on that long since it sucks up the electricity like mad.

i shall try and perk up now. maybe i'm feeling down since i'm sick and it's that time of the month when i'm particularly moody.

i miss my family.

you know what i like to do?

this....

check out the amount of gunk that came off my nose. and that's not taking into account the rest of the gunk that i pressed out after that.

i like pinching out blackheads and whiteheads. i know i'm not supposed to. but i do it anyway. makes my face feel clean.

still sick. the sore throat came back. but the cough is less phlegmy. and i got to go to hospital today. hoorah...

trying to eat healthily, so i'm cutting back on the fatty and carbo-laden stuff. so...no more rice for me. save one or two meals a week.

looks like a lot of green right. hahaha...right. on the left, is grilled salmon with steamed vegetables. and on the right is grilled chicken salad.

so ang-moh-fied. sometimes i miss the char koay teow and the greasy roti canai and the asam laksa and the yong tau foo and the bak kut teh and the loh mai kai. sigh...i wanna go home.

i had a dream last night that one of my teeth fell out. it was super scary ok!! it was like i had these HUGE teeth and one of my canine teeth started moving. i dunno why. it just did. it was like moving away from the normal space and leaning behind. and when i touched it, it was movable! so i could adjust it back into place and move it around and such. and then suddenly when i was adjusting it, it came out in my hand!! it looked huge! seirously. like a 50cent coin. i was panicking and panicking and thinking, oh no!! now i got a hole in my mouth! what am i to do?? do i have to wear a fake tooth now?! eeyier....so ugly already!

yoh...i sound so bimbo in the dream. thank goodness i woke up and realised it was a dream. i shall now begin to wear my retainers religiously again. damn scared, damn scared.

oh...and i have officially become, a roller auntie. yes, you heard it right. a roller auntie. what is a roller auntie you must be wondering. well, i will tell you what a roller auntie is. but first, rollers...

now, i've got straightened hair right? which, out of the dumbest whims of my life, i went to do last december. i hate straight hair. like, seriously. i hate it. it's limp, it's lifeless, it's boring and it's really not nice to play with. the only upside about it is that it never gets messy. but i like messy, especially the 'i-just-got-out-of-bed' kind of messy. that makes it look kind of sexy. but straight hair does absolutely nothing of the sort. so, i decided to try and maybe put some body back into it. maybe it'll look like my normal hair again. the one where i can look messy in. like, sexy-messy. so, i went and bought hair rollers. i thought to myself, why not give it a shot? nothing to lose right?

right.

so rollers in my hair, and blow, blow, blow.

now, you know what i mean when say i've become a roller auntie.

and this was the outcome.

not too bad lerh...might continue being a roller auntie until my hair grows out and my natural hair takes over.

it happened again.

i TRIED not to open my mouth.

i TRIED to just smile and take notes.

i TRIED to keep a low profile and run away whenever i needed to cough or blow my nose.

but...

they caught me.

and sent me home from hospital again.

*bip bip bip beeeeeeeeeeep*

*bip bip bip beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

**click**

7.30am...

time to get out of bed.

but i don't want to.

i'm sick afterall.

doesn't matter.

go anyway...you have to.

i blearily stumble to the toilet, did what i had to do, and shuffled back into my room.

what to wear? what to wear? ah, heck it, i'm gonna wear jeans today.

belt, belt...where's my belt? i can't find my belt. ah, screw it, i'll just keep hiking them up today.

7.53am...

shit...hurry, the bus is coming.

hurry, hurry, hurry..

shoes, shoes...which one to wear? black shoes? yeah..i suppose so.

quick, quick...bus bus...

run, run...phew..made it. 3 more minutes.

wait, wait...

good morning, how are you? i'm well, thank you. you did? oh, that's good. waiting for the bus? so am i. headed to the city? that's nice. have a nice day.

bus, ah bus...where are you ah bus...

ah...bus. wait. it's not my bus. it's ok...

20 minutes go by.

BUS, AH BUS!! WHERE ARE YOU AH??

AH BUS!!! yes! NOOO!!! it's not my bus again!!

43 minutes go by. this is ridiculous. oh yes, ma'am, i'm sure the bus will be here any minute. you're going to get a cab? i think that's a good idea.

*can i get a lift please???*

look at my watch...it's already 8.46am. damn it. i'm late. so gonna get screwed. shit, shit, shit.

bus? is that you bus? YES! that's my bus!

quick, quick...

drive, stop, drive, stop, pick up more passengers, drive, drive, jam, jam...

no, no, no, no....cannot be happening.

*ting*

finally.

excuse me, excuse me, thank you, thank you.

run, run *pant pant*

hurry, hurry, i'm late, i'm late.

i'm here!

congratulations. you've just missed the meeting.

shit.

i'm sorry dr, i had to wait almost an hour for the bus. it was really late this morning.

that's alright. wait...why are you speaking like that? are you sick??

urm...yeah?

then, GO HOME! what are you doing here?

but, but! i just got here!

well, i'm sorry, but go home! rest.

seriously???

yes! i don't want our patients to catch what you have...

whaT? i probably got it from one of them!

yes, but not all of them have it. go home, grace. it's ok. if you're too sick and can't call to say you're not coming, then don't come.

really?? ok then. bye.

should have stayed in bed.

it's amazing how i can get so caught up in the right now and how my world just suddenly shrinks to the size of a pinhead. i focus so much on how NOW is supposed to be and how NOW is stressing me out and how NOW doesn't seem to ever pass that i forget that there's a whole big world out there. that the bigger picture is where i'm headed to. i forget that God has a bigger purpose for my life than RIGHT NOW.

God is teaching me,

He's molding me,

He's healing me,

not the superficial wounds that reopen and bleed again,

but from the inside,

to change, to become a better person,

not only for myself, but also for the people around me.

as for the right now? i'm just gonna ride it out. with God next to me.

in a couple of hours, it will be my daddy's birthday. the most hardworking, tolerant, patient, silly-willy, lame-o daddy there is on earth.

his hard work, his sweat, his blood and his tears all were shed and are still being shed for his three daughters. ensuring that they get the education they want, get the clothes they want, get the lifestyle they want.

sometimes life doesn't seem fair to such a good man. a man who has worked so hard for the better part of his life. but it never breaks this man's spirit. he continues to persevere. he continues to plough through the tough times and in the end, comes out victorious. even if only for a short time.

i used to hear stories from my mother about how my daddy would drive me around in the car if i couldn't be put to sleep. he would go round and round until i would finally doze off and then he would put me to bed.

i remember also how he would push me around in a pram all over the city of Kuala Lumpur when i was a little girl every weekend to take me shopping. i guess that's why i shop so much now...heh.

i remember all the little sesame street toy figurines he bought for me while working in Singapore because he knew i loved them. and also the sesame street wall picture he painted which hung in my room for the longest time, until we shifted house.

i remember there was one time my daddy got really sick with dengue fever and stayed at home for a few days. i had never seen him so sick and so weak. as a little girl, i was so worried that i would lose him, i would pray every night for him to get better.

i remember the many times when i had very violent bicycle crashes, he would be the one that would clean my wounds. the first aid box he bought in the UK while studying emptied for my battle wounds.

i remember standing before him whenever my report book came out and if i didn't do well, he would take out the cane and give me strokes on my hand. i knew it was for my own good and i know that it must have hurt him more than it hurt me to discipline me in that way.

i remember disappointing him many, many times and making a mess out of my life in many ways. but i also remember how he would forgive me and give me second chances, always advising and guiding me in any way he can.

i remember the saturday mornings where he would knock on my door and wake us up to go for breakfast. often having to wait for sometime before all of us were ready. the same way he would wait patiently whenever we would take forever to dress up if we had somewhere to go.

i remember coming home late at nights when the whole house was asleep and he would suddenly appear from his room as i walk up the stairs. bleary eyed and sleepy faced, he would ask why i was home so late and that i should have called.

i remember the little books and devotional material he would give me to ensure that my faith and that walk with God would be secure. and his little mini sermons he would share whenever we had family prayer sessions.



daddy...here's to you. have a wonderful birthday. i love you.

i made strawberry muffins today since it's the strawberry season now. planning to give some to my registrar and my consultant tomorrow. a little bit of apple polishing to ensure i get a good evaluation never hurt anyone *snicker*. i should do this more often. i miss baking. and i think i might be a bit too dependant on the modern baking facilities like the cake mixer, the accurate measuring cups, the MAID that washes up after i make a HUGE mess. so today, i had to minimise the mess and minimise the utensil usage. hahaha...

so i'm hoping they'll be BLOWN away with the muffins and be super nice to me. not that they haven't been. but there's no harm in coating my bum with some padding is there?

*grin*


i have a feeling i'm gonna get some very curt criticism from some people for doing this. hmmm...

had itchy fingers and clicked on everyone's link on my sidebar. most of them weren't updated but then some were. and so happened, i was reading keshialicious' blog and jolly good, she tagged the reader. bleh..so..i'm gonna waste more of my precious time, doing the tag.


Condoms: don't have that, but i have this plasticky, rubbery thing i took from the ward..does that count?

Cell phone: who wouldn't have one in this day an age? yes, i have a cell phone, a nokia 6288 that every IMU student here in queensland has.

Chair/stool: yes, quite a comfortable office chair i bought from KMart and cost me 39AUD

Book shelf: eh...not sure if it's called a bookshelf...buuuuut, i have books in it.

Dresser: urm...wat's a dresser? is it a tallboy where i fold my clothes and put it in? or a dressing table? anyhoo..i have neither.

Computer: i have a laptop...

Bean bag: don't have...but i want to get one! i have a one seat plush chair sitting in the corner..

Pictures: yes, i do. pictures of my family..

Mirror: multiple mirrors all across my room. no, i'm not a narcissist

Skateboard: urh...no...very bad sense of balance on one.

Bed: yes...a very small bed on the floor in a corner of my room..

Clothes: it's on every surface of my room. quite literally...

Surfboard: nioppppe............

Smoke detector: there's one outside my room...

Piano/keyboard/guitar/bass/drums: don't have! which i'm very sad about! i must remember to bring my guitar next year...

Locking door: my door cannot lock..got keyhole, but no key..

Bottle of water: urm...do 2 bottles of wine count?

2A blacklight: what's that? i have a pentorch though...

Medals/ribbons: not here with me, they're in my room back home..

Awards: nadah...

Sport accessories: socks and running shoes? ooohh oooh! tights...

CDs: only ONE. the ladies of jazz..

Flag: if it's big and has flowers and is thick enough to be used as a blanket, then...no

Stop sign/any sign: urh...there's a white board in my room? with lots of words on it?
Caution tape: no lah...where got...

Paintball: never tried

Real Gun: paintball gun never hold before, what makes u think i've held a real gun?

Cigarettes: with the number of patients i see dying of lung disease? no thank you...

Candle: fire alarm sets off too easily...cannot afford to burn, and then pay the fireman..

Books: oh yeah...got as many books as i do clothes...

Nintendo: nope

Play Station: nope

Xbox: nope

Stereo: my laptops's my stereo

Television: there's a HUGE sony trinitron outside my room...other than that, my laptop's my tv

Lighter: nope

Gum: everyday...keeps the mouth fresh and clean...good for talking to patients...

How many windows do you have in ur room?: 3

What is the color of your walls?: boringly white..

Hardwood floor, tile, or carpet? : hardwood

What color is your bed?: the bed or the bedsheet? the bed's grey and the bedsheet's off white...

What are on yr walls?: nothing..not allowed to stick anything on it

Has the opposite sex been in your room before? : not for the right reasons...

and i tag everyone on my sidebar links..

i just got back from a wedding dinner.

sigh..

'don't find a person you think you can live with for the rest of your life, find a person you cannot live without'

it was so nice.

took a lot of pictures. but all the ones with me in it turned out really ugly. dunno why. i guess it's not my day for looking good. which was quite a shame since i dressed up all nice nice and wanted to look good. i blame it on bad lighting and a bad face day. hmph...will post them all up on multiply soon.

so this was the dress i wore for the wedding dinner. tossed the morning dress into the wash so didn't get to take a pic of me in it. i'm still sitting here, in front of the computer. too lazy to change into my pyjamas. the groom said some very poignant things about his love for his bride. about how love isn't just a feeling, but it's also adjustment, commitment, tolerance and patience.

'love is when a person wakes up at 4 in the morning to make breakfast to prevent me from forgetting to eat the whole day when i'm busy'

'love is patiently waiting 2 hours for a facial and missing the finals of a footie game'

'love is when a person goes all out of the way to buy the other's favourite cake, only to find that it's not being made during this time'


what is love to you?

well, to me, love is not giving up when things get tough, when things aren't all a bed of roses, when it's giving more than taking.

giving up one's self for when it calls,
no excuses, no delays.
even when things don't seem to be in your favour,
compromise, let it pass, grow with it.

i once sang a song that said,

'i don't want just a memory, give me forever,
and don't even think about, saying goodbye,
cause i, just want one love, to be enough,
and remain in my heart till i die'

how naive i was. to think that it would all be ok just because there was love. just ONE love, would be enough.

stupid.

i don't think i'll ever see love the same way again.

EDIT

found a picture of the morning dress. not full length though.

myra and chui ee came for the wedding too. was really good seeing them again. tells me i'm not alone.

so tired...just got back from hospital. and i've got to wake up at 6 tomorrow morning. if this keeps up, i'll have eyebags down to my chin. then it'll be:

"STEP RIGHT UP FOLKS AND SEE THE WOMAN WITH THE CHIN-LONG EYEBAGS! A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNItY!

hey you boy! yes, you! don't you want to see this spectacular freak of nature? come on in! be astounded and amazed!"

i'm being an idiot...

this happens when i'm tired.

lack of posts during the week has been due to the fact that i've been worrying myself shitless about my results. quite literally shitless since i've had diarrhoea for a few days.

about 2 days ago, ying wei called me from hospital when i had gone home and said.

'mental health results are out you know? you have to call jane turner. linda just emailed her. daniel and raj both got their results already'

my heart just quite suddenly stopped beating in my chest for a good 45 seconds. it just stopped. i started shaking and broke out in a cool sweat even though the temperature was 14 degrees.

it was already about 5 in the evening and i thought the office hours were over. so i was contemplating whether to email at that moment or just wait til the next day. i decided to get it over with and proceeded to email jane turner. only, i didn't have her email address. so i emailed the mental health coordinator instead. and of course, i didn't get a reply after checking about an hour later. that's when linda called and said she had received her results and told me to email jane turner personally. i got the email address off her and sent off the email.

i was feeling rather peckish that night. i made steak with onions, roast potatoes and boiled carrots. was happily munching on my carrots when linda said, she received a second email concerning the second part of her results and said my results probably would be out too.

again, my heart stopped. i think it sank. and as it sank, it must have dropped into my stomach 'cause i swear, my food starting spilling out into my throat and threatened to gag me.

i got on my computer, logged onto my UQ email and really, there it was. just sitting in my inbox. with no clue on the email title as to whether i had passed or failed.

oh gosh...if i had failed, i would have to repeat the rotation and stay back an extra 2 months and payu an extra AUD7K. i did NOT want that.

and i came home from this resit exam completely devastated and convinced that i would fail. it just went so horribly wrong, no words can describe. it was all going uphill until it came to the part where they started asking questions i had never even thought about and then it all came tumbling down for me. i was in tears as i left the exam room.

this ALL came rushing back to me as i sat there, going to open the email. all the mistakes i made during the exam, how i should have answered in a different way and how i should have just studied a bit more, how it would feel to be alone here while everyone would have gone on and graduated, how my parents would feel that extra pinch in their pockets at having to fork out more money for my stupid failure.

*click*

it opened

Dear Grace,
You have just scraped through the viva, and I need to see you to give
you some feedback before we can consider your results complete. I could
see you on Thursday 14th at 10-30. Please confirm ASAP if this is
suitable and if not please let me know some times when you are available
Best wishes
Jane T

at the words 'scraped through' i was SO RELIEVED!~ and then it came to the part where i had to meet her to confirm and then i became not so sure again.

did i pass???

or is that just a nice way of saying that she needs to reassess me?

oh gosh.

i started messaging people and asking what they made of that cryptic message. most of them agreed that i had passed. but that there might have been something in the air that hasn't been cleared.

so...i tell you, it was super stressful.

i met up with her yesterday and after 2 minutes of telling her what i should have said and they type of drugs i should have given, since it was this part that i knew brought me down, she said,

'ok. pass. bye.'

I LEAPT OUT OF MY CHAIR IN FRONT OF HER AND WENT

'YESSSS!!!'

so shy.

so yeah...i've passed. phew. that's a load of my back.

this whole thing about me passing seriously is not of my own doing. i can safely say that. there's only ONE who could have helped me through this time. all the while comforting me and increasing my faith in HIM. this i can only attribute to my Lord, Jesus Christ. without HIM, i don't think i would even have made it. Thank you Lord, for you wonderful love for me and for showing me that whenever things are seen as impossible, it is completely possible to YOU.

oh, and i passed my general practice rotation as well.

2 down. 3 more to go.

...

was at a party the other day. won't say whose for fear of being found out. but i was at party the other day. a barbeque party. who in their right minds would want to throw a barbeque party when it's 16 degrees out?

so anyway, had a few drinks, met some new people, got hit on my some really weird ones and some not so weird ones.

there was this middle aged man from south africa who kept coming over to where i was and would just look at me and start smiling. you'd think it was ok until he started talking about going to malaysia when i return home so that he could come and see me.

*ding ding ding*

and there was this other guy. i don't really know where's he from, but i think he's from the middle east. he looks like a complete nerd who's trying really hard to fit in and be cool by smoking a lot, wearing very little and drinking like a camel. so...he came up to me and started talking, i can't remember about what since i was too busy checking out this hip hop instructor who had suddenly broke out in a dance number. *oh so hot* but then, suddenly, the host, came around carrying a camera and this middle eastern dude just grabbed me and wanted to take a picture with me. excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me? hello? you think i simply take pictures with anyone arh? please...no. actually, yes la, but i didn't want to be captured for eternity with this dude standing next to me, so i stepped away and proceeded to start talking to some girls. wah...i must sound quite the horrible now.

*ding ding ding*

now this next one. not so bad. he was quite good looking, from taiwan, had ears like my sister. a little bit monkey-ish. but made him all the more endearing. he was the bartender for the night and was a housemate of the host. needless to say, he kept me well-stocked the whole night. found out he wants to be a teacher and go to japan to learn japanese. quite impressive. didn't exchange numbers since i had to rush off, but he made me promise to visit the host again so we could go out.

i think i might just pay them a visit this weekend.

...

on another note, i'm going for a wedding this weekend! gonna meet up with all the old fogies from PJEFC who've migrated over to this land down under. i'm so excited. maybe i'll go shopping for a new dress later. eeee!! can't wait.

...

ying wei and i did laundry this morning

2 girls, washing one week's worth of laundry each. wow...that's a lot of clothes. i can't believe it myself. especially the amount of panties we go through. ok well, those are just MY panties. hers are hanging somewhere on the sidelines on a smaller clothesline. i wanted the sunshiney smell on mine so i hung them out there.

...

i just recently realised that my parents are getting more and more internet and technology savvy. i know there are parents out there who are whizzes are these sort of things. but i've gotten used to them asking

'eh...how to send message ah?'

'eh...can type this up for me ah?'

'eh...how to go online ah?'

and now, they, well, at least my mum can expertly sms me and talk to me on msn and search youtube and go online to take my friends test thing which i posted up. this is kinda freaky.

but what's worse is, she's getting better than me at shortcutting her messages.

she messaged me the other night asking me to search for this video on youtube. i did and true enough, it made me laugh like she said it would. but what shocked me most was how she KNEW how to search youtube for these funny videos. so i asked her.

'how you know how to search youtube for videos like these ar?'

and she replied,

'hfllsp wtcing'

it took my a whole 2 minutes to actually figure out what that message was. i'm not telling so you all go figure it out yourselves.

she can just send a message like that and expect me to understand. WTF?? i mean...type something in shortcut that is understandable larrrr...

even i don't shortcut my messages. unless i absolutely have to. if i were to write out ALL the shortcuts she uses, it'll take up a whole new blog post.

and she can go online and surf already! i mean...there goes our liberty. she now knows what we all do online and she now knows how to do it as well. is nothing sacred out there for us young people anymore?? or are we getting old too?

Create your own Friend Test here

stuck at home with a cranky tummy and a fever. been up most of the night retching and purging. out from both ends. how fun is that.

tried to cheer myself up by searching for some funny videos to watch and i found this:

for those who don't know, these girls had a season on Singapore's tv with a show called Girls Out Loud. didn't show in Malaysia of course so i ended up watching all the episodes on YouTube. i must say it's quite entertaining. really. they're not afraid of touching on controversial issues and it's all done in the best taste. humour. i think that's the best way of approaching any sort of topic.

so anyway, i found the video quite cute. and it was shot in genting if i'm not wrong.

humour me lar if i'm not posting anything of substance. i'm sick, ok. and i'm missing hospital. it's making me feel very guilty. and i'm still waiting for my mental health resit results so very panicking lorh. i hope i pass. please, just let me pass.

i don't often dream anymore.

somehow it's just too painful to do.

i used to dream.

loads.

i'd dream about my life. about how it should and would be. having that wonderful job and wonderful partner. being idealistic to the point of silliness.

dreams tend to make us that way. silly, i mean. they take us away from what we should be concentrating on. we drift on a sea of hope, of dreams. floating without an anchor, without a safety rope tied around a rock. our only concern is where we're going to land next. but what we don't see are the rocks beneath, waiting to run us aground. jarring us back into reality and sinking our dreams and hopes to the depths of the deepest abyss.

why do we dream? why do we put ourselves through this 'torture' of wishing and hoping, knowing full well that it will never come to pass? why do we set unrealistic expectations which, that when it crashes just drags us deeper down that abyss?

because...

without dreams, we will never reach.

without hope, we will never rejoice.

without expectations, we will never live.

only...

don't get carried away dreaming and hoping and expecting. because even if sometimes we get lucky, we're never lucky always.


do i dare to dream?

i don't know.

so i'm home alone today.

my day off since i'm on take at the hospital on sunday night.

decided to cook myself a healthy lunch. one with no carbs since i'm on a diet. again.

had a piece of fish (is it a piece when it's a whole fish? or should i just call it fish?) in the freezer that had been sitting there for about a month. but thanks to deep freeze, it was still ok. i think. decided to wrap it in aluminium foil with some veggies and bake in the oven.

but to my horror, when i washed the fish, i found out it had not been gutted! stupid fishmongers here didn't clean the fish for me! yuck!! so...i had to gut it myself. i have NEVER done this before. i know i cook a lot, but i don't gut fish a lot. so...trying to remember how they do it on tv, i slit the fish's belly and eeeeeewww! all the gross red, red looking things just oozed out. yuuuuckk!! i stuck my hand in and tried to grab hold of as much red, red looking things as i could. blerrrgh!! luckily, i'm very skillful and managed to get it clean without barfing in my mouth too much.

then it was season, season, season and into the oven.

DING!

25 minutes later, it was done. looked good. smelt good. i cut a piece and put it in my mouth. and instead of a mouthful of fish, it was a mouthful of scales. stupid fishmongers didn't de-scale the fish for me either!! grrrr...so i had to scrape off the fish skin, which thankfully came off easily before i could devour my very tasty fishy lunch.

it's cold and rainy. thought i could snuggle in bed for a long time this morning, but i woke up at the very early hour of 8am. holy guacamole! what the heck am i doing wide awake?? but i couldn't get back to sleep so i woke up and scrubbed the toilet clean. smells pretty and fresh now. and there's got to be something wrong when i can clean the whole toilet, scrubbing on my hands and knees and NOT SWEAT. the only thing that got wet was my shirt when i accidentally turned on the shower and it rained down into my sleeve. cold, cold water.

i kinda like the cold weather. makes my cheeks pink.

i miss singing.

anyone wanna sponsor me a guitar since i didn't think to bring mine along with me when i came over?

the feeling of strumming the strings of a guitar gives me a sense of comfort when things seem to be going awry.

it's the same feeling i get when my fingers run across the piano keys, making music and hearing a tune in my head come to life.

when all the clutter in my head begins to overwhelm,
it soothes my soul and comforts my thoughts,
it's an expression of emotion, and expression of love,
the temporary shelter it provides, the safe haven for the now,

like cymbals, life crashes, ringing loud and long,
jarring me again from the silence of my wake,
and again i'm back to where i detest,
without a choice, the world i have to face,

but for now, just this one moment,
i remember the keys, i remember the strings,
i play them in my mind, as often as i please,
and for now, just this one moment,
i'm at peace, i'm at peace.

i absolutely HATE HATE HATE banking.

especially when it's internet banking where i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS forget my client number and pin number.

i've just spent the last 20 minutes trying to log into my account.

tried numerous numbers written all over my statements and NOTHING!

all the numbers were WRONG.

and now my account is FROZEN.

and i can't un-freeze it since it's 10 pm at night and the stupid bank doesn't offer a 24 hour service hotline where they can help me undo all the stupid damage they put me in, in the first place.

ok..

maybe it's my own fault for not remembering my numbers. but when i have so many other numbers to remember, it's not easy ok!

i tried writing it down...but i lost the paper.

there's quite a large number of dollars in my account that is currently inaccessible. great.

i'm such dead meat if my mother finds out about this. i hope she forgot i have a blog.

my mum just said i could go home in july!

for one week only though, since that's all i have.

but but but...

it's better than nothing!!!

i feel happy

i feel bouncy

i feel light

i feel shiny
i feel uplifted
i feel giddy
i feel euphoric
i feel excited

but but but...

i still need to get through the next 7 weeks.

STARDEEEE LA YOU!!

the girls and i on the city cat cruise along the brisbane river yesterday. took ying wei's mum, aunt and little bro around to see the sights along the river.

looks kinda gloomy, i know, since yesterday was a tad bit cloudy. but like that little patch of opening sunshine in the clouds, life has it's little ups when all you can see is down.

and of course, the mandatory picture of my new boots. which are super comfortable. i'm quite happy with them. they're the perfect height and i love the colour. it isn't too shiny and too matte. the front is rounded nicely and doesn't pinch my toes. i can walk hours (which i've done) in them and not complain. they may not be leather, but they're as soft as leather and definitely way within my price range. they cost me 48AUD after discount. so i'm quite happy. =)