I've always been one to follow my instincts. When I was younger, it was more of a 'I think it is' sort of feeling but it always came hand in hand with it's very clingy sibling 'but I don't dare to follow through'. And because of that, I've always had to rely on other people to help point it out and give me the courage to follow through. As my age crept along, so did my courage. Not exponentially, but at a rapid enough rate I would say, and I learnt to rely more and more on myself to trust my instincts.

That being said, how do i make someone else believe that my instincts are what have brought me through all the rough patches in my life? They might argue that I am not seeing both sides of the coin. That I'm so instinctively guided by what I feel that I am blinded to other possibilities and opportunities. That I'm being impulsive and compulsive all at once. But would I rather rationalize and agonize over a decision that I already know deep down i've already made? In my head, I would rather save my time and effort into executing my instincts instead of constantly questioning it. Because, be honest, we all know that our first gut feel is usually the correct one.

I cannot explain or force my instincts upon others, but I can only wish for them to respect it.

I never go into details. And I won't begin now. So please, don't expect me to change my mind because in your head, you think i am wrong.

how cliched is it when we watch movies and the hero/heroine goes through a conflict of sorts where the heart and the mind don't agree. externally we scoff and sneer saying how hard is it to make a decision and then stick by it. and then we're treated to a montage of the passage of time for the said hero/heroine and watch as they go through their life living out their decision with the occasional twinge of longing and regret but then pushing through and ultimately, through a clever twist of fate - or should i say plot - the hero/heroine eventually gets what he/she actually wanted in the first place.

the conflict of the mind and heart is one that i've never been able to conquer. my mind will always be the rational one that knows all the right things to do and how to go about it. it will win out and i would follow it's rules diligently for a good few days, but, like the said hero/heroine, i'll have the twinge of longing and regret which will ultimately lead to my regression and fallback to what my heart wants. even though i know it's not the right decision.

i find it very hard to stick with the decisions i've made - or at least, the decisions my mind has made. there will always be this little nagging part that goes 'what if' and then i'll start wondering about whether i should have gone down the other path instead. and here comes the tug of war. i'll be one foot in each doorway and never heading anywhere. the battle in my head has been getting worse of late. as i'm nearing the age where many of my friends are either settled in life, or are beginning to settle. not the bad kind of settle, but the good kind. the kind where they know where their life is headed from this moment on and all they've got to do now, is put the plough to the soil and just plod on.

but that being said. do i just want to plod on? don't i want to run and skip and hop and jump through my life? don't i want to always wonder and question and constantly look out for new things to see and do and live through? if i make concrete decisions to settle and move on in life living it as 'my mind sees fit' then won't i get to live like how my heart wants to live? with unbridled passion and zest?

there has got to be a way. even if it's unconventional and not exactly the way society conforms to. i've never lived life the way i was supposed to. and maybe that's the way it should be. 

and here i go again.

i'm a messy person.

i've got a messy room.
my bed is constantly unmade, except for when i know my mum is coming to visit.
i've got a messy dressing table.
makeup strewn whichever way. makes it easier to reach for instead of having to dig around.
i've got an extremely messy closet.
clothes stacked all the way up to mars. i'm always finding little surprises of clothes i've not seen for months.
i've got messy hair.
untameable in fact. not without help from serums and taming creams. it still manages to look unruly even after blowing it to within an inch of it's life.

but i love cleaning.

tidying up. rearranging stuff. straightening askewed items.

but it always gets messy again. no matter how hard i try to stay neat.

and it's weird. because i hate being messy. i hate untidiness. and i hate things out of order.

my life is one big 'huh?'

i can never really figure out what i want. my head and heart can never agree. as with most people, i'm sure. is it normal to feel lost this often?

maps. GPS. street signs. relayed directions.

we all have help finding where to go. but which way is the right way? the beaten path is always an easy answer. just following in another person's footsteps. to walk on the same trampled and beatened down path that will lead us a safer, satisfactory place.

but what if i don't want to? who makes these paths? what makes it the right path in the first place? who decides these things?

i don't just want to follow blindly. i need to know. i need to question.

but what if i don't like the answer? do i still follow? or do i branch out and make my own path?
how do i answer this question?

ever been in a situation where you know it's too good to be true? where everything doesn't seem possible? where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop? story of my life.

i've never fully lived. not really. i'm always too worried about what may happen or whether what i'm going through is real.

and for the last 2 months, everything has probably been a lie. the emotions, the excitement, the expectation. we're all guilty of being caught up in the moment and letting it all just carry on without letting it sink in fully. we hope that it would last, but ultimately, it never does.

the other shoe always drops.

but hope is never far away. we hope for a better day, we hope that it wouldn't bother us, we hope that time will heal all wounds. and hope, is what keeps us going. somehow, it's the one thing that we never give up on. if all else fails, there's always hope. because what we don't know, carries a promise. we can never really say that everything will turn out bad unless we know it. and with hope, we will never know.

and with hope, we will constantly put ourselves out there. to receive and to give. to see and to be seen. to love and to be loved. out heart will never tire of hope, or love. even though right now, we may be shattered and torn and hurt; time, hope and love will heal all brokenness.

so here i am, asking Time, Hope and Love, to heal me.

meeting new people is always a bit tricky. it's very much a battle of wits where one's trying to figure out the other before the other does. a bit of a tug of war. i give you this much information about me, now let's see how much you give back. i don't think it's always been that way with me. from ever since i could remember, it was always very easy to make friends because i was so outgoing and outspoken. i'd be the first to approach people, i'd be the first to give an opinion, i'd be the one to laugh the loudest. i'd always be the one to give. and i always thought it was me being friendly. but after encountering some people like that, i've come to realise that it might all just be a facade. true, they're very interesting to be around, but after a while, it becomes very forced and contrived. insecurities, no matter how well hidden, will always surface.

i've become less of an extrovert of late. more willing to let people come to me instead of me to them. i don't have to be the obvious livewire of the party anymore. people watching has now become a favourite past time for me. meaningful conversations have taken center stage now and getting to know people instead of just meeting them have become essential to me.

it's easy to feel alone in a roomful of people. you may think that you're surrounded by people you are acquainted with. but it's very lonely when you come to realise that there's only so much you know about them. that's what i've been feeling of late. i look through my facebook friend's list and wonder...how many of these people do i actually have meaningful relationships with? i've been questioning myself a lot of late, thinking of how many people i've let slip over the years and how i haven't been the greatest at maintaining friendships. i find myself guarded after the initial introduction. after giving, i tend to hold back and always wanting to keep the ball in my court. selfish.

i'm trying my best now at rectifying the situation. my sister tells me to go out and meet new people. but i think i should stick to the ones i have right now, and be a better friend.

here it is. the last mad dash for the finish line. the flags of victory are so close i swear, all i have to do is reach out and they'll be in my hands.

it has been a long, yet extremely fast-paced year of housemanship. i remember being so overwhelmed by the change and the expectations that were all in my head, that i broke down even before day one was over. it had all seemed so new. so different. i was sure i wouldn't be able to keep up. wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations made of me. i was so scared. i would wake up every morning worried about what the day would bring. it didn't help being in a foreign land. having had to make friends and colleagues and work at the same time. would these new-found acquaintances help me when i ask them to? out of obligation perhaps? or maybe just out of irritation so that i would stop bugging them? how alone i felt for the longest time. but God was good. He knew how to make things fit and happen in His time. i made good friends. and i got better. it's true what they say, it's all a matter of getting used to it. get a routine flowing and it will all come naturally.

12 months of getting used to housemanship.

and now it's time to let it go. i've reached the top of the houseman foodchain. a 'senior' houseman. someone the newer housemen ask for help and turn to when they need advice.

so the road leads me now to that of being a medical officer. just a tiny leap from a houseman, but what a huge difference in responsibility. and i'll have to start from the bottom again. it's a never ending cycle. we get to the top of one pyramid only to realise there are tons more to conquer and climb. new expectations, new standards, new responsibilities.

it's the last mad dash to the finish line, but i just want to slow it down a bit and not be too eager to reach it.

today's gonna be a good day.

because i said so.

i was just thinking to myself last night and going through the events of the last month. and suddenly it hit. this time last month, i was feeling restless and craving for something different. i remember putting up on facebook that i needed a change. and then these barrage of change just decided to bulldoze itself into my life.

the power of self proclamation.

so, in that spirit, i'm going to proclaim, that today, tonight, tomorrow and for the unforeseeable future ahead, will be good.